Tea with Ann Voskamp: Grace and Gratitude

My friend gave me the book One Thousand Gifts in the summer. I read the book and fell in love not only with it, but with its author...Ann Voskamp writes poetically, raw from the soul...and she loves Him. She loves Him so much...

I recently subscribed to her blog, A Holy Experience, and I have been so blessed by what I've read.

My daddy is sick and my mom is out and my sister is sleeping and it's cold outside, so when I woke up this morning, I decided to make myself a hot cup of peach tea and spend some time with my Jesus and with Ann. I was not disappointed.

Her most recent post is titled, "How Giving Thanks Can Unexpectedly Give You A New Life", appropriately, since Thanksgiving was yesterday. I'm just going to write down a few key points.

• Life is a furnace and the faithful live by the Shadrach-prayer of only 4 words: "Even if He doesn't." This world has nothing that can burn down the faith of a heart on fire for God.

• There is no right living apart from really thanking.

• What if we celebrated Thanksgiving the most because it was the least commercialized? And what if the grace of God was only rightly answered by the gratitude of men?

• "Grace and gratitude belong together like heaven and earth. Grace evokes gratitude like a voice an echo. Gratitude follows grace as thunder follows lightening." -Barth

• When you know your Father is loving--what can you fear losing? "If you haven't lost Christ, child, nothing is ever lost." --Voskamp

• Gratitude follows grace--as thunder follows lightening. And the storm is grace because whatever drives us into God is a grace from God.  

---

All is grace...❤ 

By grace, we have much to offer thanks for. There's sky and food and family and this country and a love we don't deserve and there's grace that comes as storms and the only answer to God's unending grace is man's unending gratitude. When you live a life in a covenant of grace, you can't help but live out a covenant of gratitude.

...and I had to stop reading for a moment and whisper, "Thank You, Lord..."

The way that grace and gratitude echo to each other through all things...

And my gracious God Who gives richly and labors and brings life and beauty from my human brokenness...

And all is grace and my heart is full and my God is always good and I am always loved.

All is grace...

Thank You, Lord...❤ 

You never let go

On December 4th, it will have been a year since the Lord took Alyssa Lynn Ettl home to be with Him.

Every day, I've thought of her. Some days it's a fleeting, sparkling, ah, Alyssa, as I walk past the little picture I have of her that is taped to my bedroom wall. Other days, I take the picture down, clutch it to my chest, curl up on my bed, and weep, mascara trailing down my face in messy paintbrush strokes as I whisper-sob, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, because my heart cannot form words enough to capture the depth of the ache and there is no other Name that brings reprieve.

Grief is a daily occurrence. Little things. A light blue sky. "Pinky promise?" A cup of hot chocolate from Caribou. "Our Father, Who art in Heaven..." Her name itself. Friends from school. Memories. You can't escape memories. And with memories comes grief, sometimes a gentle pinch, sometimes a wave that completely overwhelms me as I beg my God for some sort of reason why.

He never gives one.

At first, the silence scared me. It meant uncertainty. It meant that I'm not in control.

Then it made me angry. How dare He do whatever He wishes and work in whatever way He pleases without my consent? I didn't ask Him for this, this thing that daily follows me.

And then...and then I didn't feel anything at all.

My friend Julia wrote a song the day after the accident. About hope and glory and love and the promise of eternity. I remember sitting in front of my piano one day, mind completely blank for the sadness, and I began to play. I didn't know what. My heart didn't want long, deep notes and my fingers were not in the mood to dance. So I began slowly. A progression of three high, light, short, small chords. Over and over again.

And then something clicked. A ping! that traveled through the gray cloudiness in my head and made my heart jump, startled.

Julia's song. 

In a matter of a half hour, I had arranged a whole instrumental version of the song that my beautiful friend had written. It was perfect. Or so I thought. There was a chorus that had been nagging at me the entire time I had been playing. I had tried to shake it off, but it became stronger and stronger and louder and louder in my head that finally, I gave into it.

With tears dripping down my face, I began to quietly play the simple chorus. It was a David Crowder song I knew well.

You never let go, You never let go, You never let go
You never let go, You never let go, You never let go...

Joy and pain, sun and rain, You're the same, oh, You never let go,
Oh, my soul fills with hope, perfect love that never lets go...

Louder and louder, deeper and deeper the music swelled and my heart cried, oh, Father, forgive my pride...

Good and faithful One Who sees me and knows my soul and holds me secure and does all things for my benefit, shall I greedily snatch from Your hand what is good and yet refuse to accept from You the trouble also (Job 2:10)?...

Oh, Father, forgive...

You never let me go...You have been here and You will be my hiding place, my Comfort and my Shield, my Song and my Hope...

You never let go.

My fingers continued to play, though I no longer knew or heard or cared about that which I was playing. It was lost in the presence of my Savior.

Oh, Father, praise You for her life. Praise You for this gift You gave us with her life, and praise You for this gift, this glorious gift that You have given her in death. There is nothing sweeter than to be with You...thank You that she knows it in full.

You never let go...

I have learned to glean peace from His silence.

It's not my job or my place to know why. My God has done this thing for His own good, perfect purpose. I have seen good come from it. I have seen life spring up from the ashes. I have seen Him work. I know He makes beautiful things from dust. I know He makes masterpieces from broken shards.

Today is gray and stark and cold. The winter is here again but my God is teaching my heart to be warm and not to freeze at His reach, not to shrink away when His hand offers something that may cause me pain. (Not that He willingly inflicts pain (Lamentations 3:33).) Does my God not hold all things together? Is He not fully good and infinitely wise? Has He not given me this hope, this hope of her salvation and also my own as I know I will see her again, as an anchor for my soul (Hebrews 6:19)?

He loves me. He loves you. He loves us. Is that not enough?

He is fully good. Even when I don't understand it. He has brought me this far, and He will continue to lead me, and He never lets go. He has me.

And He has her. Forever.

He never lets go.

50 things for a past Anna

Below is a compilation of things I wish I would've known and taken to heart when I was younger. I was thinking about my freshman girls the other night and all these things came to the surface and so I decided to make this list. Here ya go. <3
---
1. "Sometimes, you must free yourself with the ability to say, 'no.' 'No,' might make them angry, but it will make you free. If no one has ever told you, your freedom is more important than their anger." --Nayyirah Waheed

2. "A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man should have to seek Him just to find her." --Maya Angelou

3. Don't knock it til you try it.

4. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.

5. Just because you can doesn't mean you always should. Be wise. WWJD may seem cliche, but it is so important.

6. Eat lunch with the new kids.

7. Make time for your mom on your birthday; it's a special day for her, too.

8. Don't stare.

9. If you've made your point, stop talking.

10. Look people in the eyes when you talk to them. It makes a difference, even if it scares you.

11. Be kind to little kids. Your reputation is build over a lifetime.

12. If you don't understand, ask before it is too late. Being confused doesn't make you stupid.

13. Be a good listener. Don't just take your turn to talk.

14. Keep your word. You are what you do, not what you say.

15. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be angry. It's not okay to bring it out on the people around you.

16. You're never too old or too cool to need your mom.

17. Smile at strangers.

18. The first person to act on their anger always loses the argument.

19. Everyone knows something you don't.

20. Failure is an idea, not a person. You will fail; you will never be a failure.

21. Beautiful girl, you don't owe anyone anything. Don't let people make you feel like you are obligated to keep them happy. It's a lie.

22. "Never reply when you are angry. Never make a promise when you are happy. Never make a decision when you are sad." --Anonymous

23. Take care of yourself the way you would take care of your daughter or your best friend.

24. Never take two doses of Benadryl at the same time. It'll basically knock you out.

25. Always double-check to make sure the cashier gave you the correct change. Sometimes they miscount.

26. Sing. Sing til your throat is sore. And make sure you record it. Your own voice is going to be the most comforting to you, ironically, and honey, that's not vanity, that's acceptance. You are slowly learning to love the vessel that houses your soul.

27. He's going to tell you he loves you. He's going to tell you you're precious. He's going to tell you you're beautiful. He's going to tell you that you can do things no one else can. He's telling the truth. Cling to that truth. Don't cling to him.

28. Blood doesn't make a sister or a brother or a mother or a father. Love does.

29. Eat that extra cupcake. Sing the harmony to that song. Go ask him to dance. You're never gonna be happy if you constantly second-guess yourself.

30. Be open. Offer yourself. You're going to get hurt, but you're also going to heal, both yourself and others.

31. Don't let your identity depend on what she does next. You are not her; you are you and you are enough.

32. "Though you may cry over it at night, clenching your fingers around your sheets, and hot tears streaming onto your pillow, you must come to terms with the fact that not everyone will love you. Some people will never come in at all, and some will leave, and you will find their smudgy handprints on the doorknob. Don’t be bitter, you've left messes of your own." --Molly Mae Wilson

33. Sometimes it feels like it's easier to let your heart be hard and be angry and hold the fact that they hurt you against them, but honestly, it sucks the life out of you. You've got to forgive them. Being bitter just makes you a prisoner. You may tell yourself you don't know how, but that's no excuse. You've just got to choose to love them more than your heart is aching from the pain they caused you. You'll be SO glad you did.

34. You're not going to have those older girls around forever. Take every chance you can to show them you love them.

35. When they leave, grieve it. It's okay. But after you've grieved it, you've got to wipe your face and be present for your own girls. God does all things for a reason. These little girls are your reason.

36. You don't have to have it all figured out to move forward. That's the point of faith.

37. 1 Corinthians 13 is so important. Memorize it. Cling to it. Live your life in love, according to that outline. It will be so helpful when you're dealing with difficult people.

38. Jesus is enough. Jesus is all you need. Jesus is enough. Jesus is all you need. Jesus is enough. Jesus is all you need. Jesus is enough. Jesus is all you need.

39. Your love language is not every other person's. Learn to speak their's as well.

40. Mom knows a lot more than you think she does. Trust her.

41. The most effective outline for an apology is as follows: I am sorry for xxx. It was wrong because xxx. Next time I will xxx. Will you forgive me?

42. The most effective way to ask for an apology is as follows: When you said/did xxx, it hurt/angered/frustrated me in this way, and I would like an apology.

43. You are responsible for every area of your life.

44. Life is not fair. People leave, that kid who cheated is going to get a better grade than you, that event is going to get canceled. Don't let it make you bitter.

45. Don't wear eye makeup if you suspect it's gonna be a rough day.

46. Your stomach is beautiful. Your hips are beautiful. Your hair is beautiful. God took great joy in creating your human body. It is precious. Treat it as such.

47. Make weird faces. It'll make people laugh and ease the tension right after you have a fight with your sister.

48. If someone compliments you, instead of denying it or milking it for everything it's worth, simply say, "thank you. I really appreciate that." It's more classy and modest.

49. Baking cookies is therapeutic.

50. Life is hard, little girl. It'll knock you down and leave you battered and bruised. But it is so, so beautiful. Cherish it. Cherish the people who make your life what it is. They are all important, God has given them to you to teach you. You are loved and valued and never alone, and held by a God who knows you fully, and is so, so good, all the time, and you're okay. Always. You're SO okay.

For my benefit

Long time since I've written. It feels good to be back. :)

My church youth group is going on our fall retreat on Thursday, and though I can honestly say I can't wait, at the same time I am uncomfortable and frightened at the thought of going without my seniors. It's so weird. Being an upperclassman is so foreign; I'm still getting used to it. I'll be okay, though, you know? The Lord places us in different seasons for different reasons, but always for the good of the ones He loves.

Speaking of which, I was reading in Isaiah the other night; a story of a righteous king who was very sick and cried out to the Lord for deliverance. Read with me; the text is found in Isaiah 37:
-----
9 A writing of Hezekiah king of Judah, after he had been sick and had recovered from his sickness:

10 I said, In the middle[d] of my days
    I must depart;
I am consigned to the gates of Sheol
    for the rest of my years.
11 I said, I shall not see the Lord,
    the Lord in the land of the living;
I shall look on man no more
    among the inhabitants of the world.
12 My dwelling is plucked up and removed from me
    like a shepherd's tent;
like a weaver I have rolled up my life;
    he cuts me off from the loom;
from day to night you bring me to an end;
13     I calmed myself[e] until morning;
like a lion he breaks all my bones;
    from day to night you bring me to an end.
14 Like a swallow or a crane I chirp;
    I moan like a dove.
My eyes are weary with looking upward.
    O Lord, I am oppressed; be my pledge of safety!
15 What shall I say? For he has spoken to me,
    and he himself has done it.
I walk slowly all my years
    because of the bitterness of my soul.
16 O Lord, by these things men live,
    and in all these is the life of my spirit.
    Oh restore me to health and make me live!
17 Surely it was for my benefit
    that I suffered such anguish;
but in love you have delivered my life
    from the pit of destruction,
for you have cast all my sins
    behind your back.
18 For Sheol does not thank you;
    death does not praise you;
those who go down to the pit do not hope
    for your faithfulness.
19 The living, the living, he thanks you,
    as I do this day;
the father makes known to the children
    your faithfulness.
20 The Lord will save me,
    and we will play my music on stringed instruments
all the days of our lives,
    at the house of the Lord.
-----
Reading this passage last night resonated deeply with my soul. I have been though the valley of the shadow. Recently, even. I have come face-to-face with unfair circumstances. I have been sick at heart and cried to the Lord to deliver me. I cannot count on two hands how many times I have sat silently, paralyzed at the aching of my heart, or screamed, cried, balled my fists and gritted my teeth and pleaded like Hezekiah, "O, Lord, I am oppressed; be my pledge of safety! Oh, restore me to health and make me live!"

Sometimes, my God does not respond in the way I, in all of my 16-year-old wisdom, think He should, and most of the time the Enemy likes to tempt me with the lie that because my prayers are not "being answered," He does not care. But that thinking is so flawed because my God has proven Himself so faithful to me. Always. I have seen it, though not always right away. Every time I face a storm of any sort, no matter how hopeless seems the struggle, I am always somehow able to come out the other side, somehow still able to lift my face to Heaven and say, whether it is whispered in exhaustion with tears of relief streaming down my face or sung at the top of my lungs, "My soul, praise Yahweh!"

If I ask the Lord for patience, for example, Him saying, "Yes, of course, dear," and instantly handing it to me would defeat the purpose of learning to be patient. Instead, He is going to allow circumstances into my life to test and strengthen my patience. They may suck and I may kick and scream in the process because I don't understand that it is for my good at the time, but in the end I will come out that much more patient and that much more like Him.

For this reason, I refuse to believe that God brings trouble into my life simply because He is God and enjoys exercising His authority. My God is not a prideful bully waiting to strike me down as soon as I stand. My loving Father knows my struggles and my needs; He allows trials to come into my life accordingly so that I may be strengthened and refined and made holy. Hezekiah said, "Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish; but in love you have delivered my life from the pit of destruction, for you have cast all my sins behind your back." (v. 17, emphasis added.) Everything He does is for my good. My good God wants me to have abundant life. Abundant, however, does not mean a life free of struggle. Jesus said, "In the world you will have tribulation." Of course I am going to face trouble in this place that is not my home. It is one of the promises of my humanity. BUT. But. "But take heart; I have overcome the world."

So much has happened in my life that people could look at and pity me for; in fact, I do a wonderful job of throwing pity parties for myself. But looking back on this path that I have walked, from where I am right now, I am so richly blessed with the people and circumstances the Lord has used to bring me to this place. Because of them, even with how painful they were at the time, I am so much more mature, patient, wiser, quieter, and refined, and so much more well-aware of the fact that He loves me. My God has a deep, personal love for me. He wants my best. It takes my breath away. I have done nothing to deserve Him. Praise Him with me; He is so good. He does all things for my benefit.

"The living, the living, he thanks you, as I do this day; the father makes known to the children your faithfulness...and we will play...music on stringed instruments all the days of our lives, at the house of the Lord." (v. 20)

Lead me on, Lord, my Strength. Thank You for Your love for me. You are glorious and You are Everything and You are so wonderful to me and I love You. I am so unworthy. I wish I could kiss Your feet. ❤

I love You

Writing in my journal this morning, I told my God that my soul can breathe for the first time in a very long time. I told Him thank you. 

And then I told Him, "I love You."

Which, for me, is something I don't hold lightly in the least. I kept, "I love you," from Him for a very, very long time, because my logic was that as soon as I attached myself to Him with love, He would leave me. Now, if you've read my last post, you'll see that He made it very clear to me that that is not and will never be the case. 

He will never leave me.

And it turns out, we didn't have "a lot to work through". I just needed to open myself to Him and let Him heal me. My heart was starving after having been deprived of His light for so long. And He was more than willing to feed me when I finally decided to let Him.

*shakes head* I'm kind of extremely stupid sometimes.

Another thing. My heart, it seems, has been yearning, aching, for someone to love. And there is SO much freedom in the promise that not only does He love me perfectly, but that I am able and invited to love Him. I love Him. I love God. I love Him. I love Him. I love Him. My heart will sing my love for Him until the day I go to be at home with Him.

I love you, Lord, my Strength.

Thank You for saving me.

Thank You for being You.

Thank You for keeping me.

Thank You. 

I love You. 

I love You.

I love You.

Never abandoned

So it was a rough night last night. (Or rather, morning.) Lemme tell you about it.

At about 2, I woke up, alarmed from a nightmare. My heart was racing, my whole body was sweaty, I was shaking, crying, gasping for breath...complete panic. What made it worse was that I didn't even know what was happening because I was still half asleep. Now, I'm used to panic attacks. But this was different. Usually, I know it'll pass and I'll be fine. But this time, I had absolutely no hope of calming down and going back to sleep. And that scared me even more.

Automatically, as if I was a robot, I began to whisper Scripture, clutching my blankets, my eyes squeezed shut. "Bless the Lord, oh my soul..." But...I couldn't calm down. The thing that had worked so well in the past was not a comfort to me as my heart raced.

And I didn't understand. So I began to breathe in another verse. "Come to Me, all ye weary and heavy laden-" And then I stopped.

"Come to Me."

Oh.

It was like...duh. I did a mental facepalm.

You see, for the past few months my heart has been closed to Him. I'm not exactly sure where it started. But I decided I could not trust the God of the universe with my fragile human heart. So I stopped talking to Him. Stopped journaling. Stopped engaging in worship. Oh, I still lifted my hands on Sundays. I still answered all the questions at bible study. I still prayed for my friends. But...my personal relationship with the Lord has been almost none-existent.

So, I was speaking Scripture to myself, but my heart was far from Him. His words have no power if I have no faith in the One who spoke them. I can speak a thousand, "bless the Lord"s, but it's all meaningless if there's nothing there.

"Come to Me."

I figured I had nothing else to lose in that moment. Everything else in my life was falling to pieces and my heart was sick and dying and I knew, lord, deep down I knew that He is the only One who has ever been able to bring dead things to life. And as soon as I decided to attempt to talk to Him, something inside of me burst, and I broke down into desperate, starving tears. A little girl, crying for her Daddy.

And cry I did. "Don't give me up...I know we have a lot to work through, but I am cold and tired and scared and I need You to hold me. Please don't give me up...please...please don't give me up..."

And as I fought my way to His arms through the rubble of the thick cement walls that had just collapsed around my heart, as I felt Him grab me and hold me so, so tight against His chest, I felt His tears and heard His agonized whisper.

"I will NEVER give you up."

"Okay..."

"Say it."

"You will never give me up."

And as soon as the words were uttered from my mouth, a whole new flow of tears began. Tears of relief. Tears of...of joy?! Tears of joy?! I hadn't cried tears of joy in months...I had barely cried at all, actually. and this...this felt so good. Broken, raw before my God. "You will never give me up. You will never give me up. You will never give me up."

He is capable of such perfect comfort...

I snatched up the promise of security from a God I had rejected for so long. I am not abandoned. I am not forsaken. Even now, my God is still close, very close. He stayed. I am loved enough to be kept. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me...

And He hushed me and kissed me and rocked me to sleep.

I wish I could tell you that I woke up this morning completely refreshed and renewed. The truth is that I woke up this morning shaken. I feel like I got absolutely no sleep last night. This morning a friend asked me how I was and I told her, "I don't know. Like I honestly don't. There's no one specific emotion that I feel right now." If you know me, you know that I am constantly in touch with my emotions. For me to not know how I feel is extremely rare.

But the truth is that today, I took my dog for a walk and I had a conversation with my God, open and honestly, keeping nothing from Him. A dear friend of mine requested last night that I spend 20 minutes every day, praying through the Lord's Prayer. So that is what I did. And I felt...loved. So loved and held and cherished and heard. My heart is beginning to wake and He has waited for me for so long...

He is so gentle with those who deserve so much wrath...namely myself...

Darling, we are not abandoned. Never, ever abandoned. God will not repay us according to our sins or wandering or rebellion. Jesus paid it all and because of His sacrifice, we may come to our God, sweetly broken, and He will hold us without reproach. By grace, God has given us a window. Through the Son, we may gaze on the Father's glory.

Cling to Him always, for He deeply loves you.

Follow always in His footsteps, for He leaves nothing but beauty in His wake.

We are deeply, deeply loved. Never abandoned. There is always grace.

Always love.

He will never give us up.

Hold me, Jesus

Well, sometimes my life 
Just don't make sense at all 
When the mountains look so big 
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf 
You have been King of my glory 
Won't You be my Prince of Peace?
-----
Rich Mullins wrote this song in a very dark time in his life. It was a prayer for Jesus to take the hopeless, broken person he was and show him the love Jesus has for him and to comfort him, to restore light, order, and beauty to the chaos and destruction his life had become.

We all go through struggles and have problems we don’t want people worrying about or knowing about, but God...God is our Father. And He is here for us through all of it. Even when we don’t want Him to be and when we try to hide our faults from Him. And that’s okay, even King David tried to hide his faults, which was evident when he wrote “but even in the darkness, I cannot hide from You.” (Psalm 139) For me, it’s not about being scared that God will punish me, it’s about being ashamed Jesus ever had to die for me.

There’s this story of a rich man who came to Jesus and showed he lived a good life and that he followed all the rules all the time, and Jesus was like, “that's great. Now go and give all your possessions to the poor.” And the man couldn't do that. See, Jesus didn't want the perfect man that he appeared to be. He wanted a person who was aware of his weakness. He wanted a man stripped of all the things that made him feel important. And I think that’s what being a Christian is about. Admitting our weak nature so God can have the glory for all the good in our lives. But that’s hard. It’s probably the hardest thing we can do. And that’s why we need Jesus to hold us and tell us “I love you for who you are. Not who you think you should be.”

A lot of people think being a Christian is running toward God’s open arms, which is nice. But, darling, do you know what’s better? The truth. The glorious truth that God doesn't require you running and working your hardest to reach Him, but rather that He is right behind you waiting to hold you when you fall. 
If we're being honest, following Jesus isn't always going to be easy, it won’t always make sense. But that's why we're given the Scripture. It’s not so we can point to a verse and prove we're right, it’s to prove God is always right and the rest of us are just guessing. And if we can get by with realizing that, if we can lower our pride to admit we don’t fully understand the Lord of hosts, we can see Jesus is standing by waiting to hold us. Just something I was thinking about last night...

❤

Isaiah 41 notes: part II (21-29)

The Scripture: 

----------

The Futility of Idols

21 Set forth your case, says the Lord;

    bring your proofs, says the King of Jacob.

22 Let them bring them, and tell us

    what is to happen.

Tell us the former things, what they are,

    that we may consider them,

that we may know their outcome;

    or declare to us the things to come.

23 Tell us what is to come hereafter,

    that we may know that you are gods;

do good, or do harm,

    that we may be dismayed and terrified.[b]

24 Behold, you are nothing,

    and your work is less than nothing;

    an abomination is he who chooses you.

25 I stirred up one from the north, and he has come,

    from the rising of the sun, and he shall call upon my name;

he shall trample on rulers as on mortar,

    as the potter treads clay.

26 Who declared it from the beginning, that we might know,

    and beforehand, that we might say, “He is right”?

There was none who declared it, none who proclaimed,

    none who heard your words.

27 I was the first to say[c] to Zion, “Behold, here they are!”

    and I give to Jerusalem a herald of good news.

28 But when I look, there is no one;

    among these there is no counselor

    who, when I ask, gives an answer.

29 Behold, they are all a delusion;

    their works are nothing;

    their metal images are empty wind.

---

The notes:

----------

21: God calls the idols and their worshipers to trial.

• "Set forth your case, says the Lord." God is fair. He will not condemn idols or their worshipers without a fair trial, so He invites them to set forth their case. "Let Me hear your side of the story." 

• "Bring your proofs..." "Let Me hear your best arguments."

• "...says the King of Jacob." This is the only place in the Bible where God uses this title. "King of Jacob" is used only here; however, "King of Israel" is used many different times. He calls Himself Jacob's King; Jacob was a deceitful, untrustworthy man and God still calls Himself his King.

---

22-24:  God examines the idols and their worshipers at the trial.

-In 21, God invites the idols to "set forth your case." But, obviously, there is no case set forth by the idols, because they are dumb statues that can't speak. :P So the questioning moves on, and God questions the idolaters. 

•  Let them bring them, and tell us what is to happen. Tell us the former things, what they are, that we may consider them, that we may know their outcome; or declare to us the things to come. Tell us what is to come hereafter, that we may know that you are gods." If their idols are really gods, then the idols should be able to tell and know the past and the future. So, He says, "Come on, tell us. Tell us what is to happen. Tell us the former things. You're gods; surely you know these things, don't you? Prove to us that you are gods." 

• "Do good, or do harm, that we may be dismayed and terrified." God's like, "Do something! Do good or do harm! Anything! Can't you do anything?!"

• "Behold, you are nothing, and your work is less than nothing; an abomination is he who chooses you." God makes that accusation based on evidence.They can't do anything. They're statues. And if people are willing to choose statues over the One, that's abominable.

-Paul says in 1 Corinthians 8:4, "Therefore, as to the eating of food offered to idols, we know that 'an idol has no real existence,' and that 'there is no God but one.' For although there may be so-called gods in heaven or on earth-as indeed there are many 'gods' and many 'lords'-yet for us there is one God, the Father, from whom are all things and for whom we exist, and one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom are all things and through whom we exist." Christ is true, Christ is life, Christ is our existence. Everything else is futile. Pursuing anything apart from Christ is wasted.

---

25-29: Idols are worthless, and man is so limited.

• " I stirred up one from the north, and he has come..." In contrast to the idols who have absolutely no ability to say anything about the future, the Lord knows. He knows that He will bring Cyrus from the north to conquer the Babylonians and set the Israelites free. 

• "Who declared it from the beginning, that we might know...?" Not the idols. They know nothing. And man has not declared it, because, "when I look, there is no one; among these there is no counselor who, when I ask, gives an answer."

• God comes to a final verdict. "Behold, they are all a delusion; their works are nothing; their metal images are empty wind." Apart from God, man and man's works are worthless. Nothing. Empty as the wind.

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God's "I will"s in Isaiah 41:

I will-

• Strengthen you (v. 10).
• Help you (v. 10, 13, 14).
• Uphold you with my righteous right hand (v. 10).
• Make you new (v. 15).
• Make you a threshing sledge with sharp teeth (v. 15).
• Open rivers on the bear heights (v. 18).
• Make the wilderness a pool of water (v. 18).
• Plant in the wilderness and desert (v. 19).
• Give to Jerusalem a herald of good news (v. 27).

Let's compare God's "I will"'s to Satan's "I will"s in Isaiah 14.

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Satan's "I will"s-

• I will ascend to Heaven (v. 13).
• I will set my throne on high (v. 13).
• I will sit on the mount of the assembly (v. 13).
• I will ascend above the heights of the clouds (v. 14).
• I will make myself like the Most High (v. 14).

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-All of Satan's "I will"s were proud and self-directed, for his own benefit. Every "I will" of God is for the benefit and blessing of His people. <3

-None of Satan's "I will"s came true. All of God's "I will"s will and have come true. 

-God has foreseen every difficulty, studied every obstacle that may come His way, knows our weakness, our need, our humanness, our brokenness, our selfishness, our pride, our sin, everything...and He still says, "I am your God. I will." <3

Isaiah 41 notes: part I (1-20)

So a couple of friends and I are studying Isaiah 41 right now. It's pretty cool. I have some awesome notes. And so I decided to post them because I haven't known what to write in a while...so if it blesses even one of y'all, then it's worth more to me than a long, flowery post. :)
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The chapter (ESV):

Listen to me in silence, O coastlands;
    let the peoples renew their strength;
let them approach, then let them speak;
    let us together draw near for judgment.
2 Who stirred up one from the east
    whom victory meets at every step?
He gives up nations before him,
    so that he tramples kings underfoot;
he makes them like dust with his sword,
    like driven stubble with his bow.
3 He pursues them and passes on safely,
    by paths his feet have not trod.
4 Who has performed and done this,
    calling the generations from the beginning?
I, the Lord, the first,
    and with the last; I am he.
5 The coastlands have seen and are afraid;
    the ends of the earth tremble;
    they have drawn near and come.
6 Everyone helps his neighbor
    and says to his brother, “Be strong!”
7 The craftsman strengthens the goldsmith,
    and he who smooths with the hammer him who strikes the anvil,
saying of the soldering, “It is good”;
    and they strengthen it with nails so that it cannot be moved.
8 But you, Israel, my servant,
    Jacob, whom I have chosen,
    the offspring of Abraham, my friend;
9 you whom I took from the ends of the earth,
    and called from its farthest corners,
saying to you, “You are my servant,
    I have chosen you and not cast you off”;
10 fear not, for I am with you;
    be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
11 Behold, all who are incensed against you
    shall be put to shame and confounded;
those who strive against you
    shall be as nothing and shall perish.
12 You shall seek those who contend with you,
    but you shall not find them;
those who war against you
    shall be as nothing at all.
13 For I, the Lord your God,
    hold your right hand;
it is I who say to you, “Fear not,
    I am the one who helps you.”
14 Fear not, you worm Jacob,
    you men of Israel!
I am the one who helps you, declares the Lord;
    your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel.
15 Behold, I make of you a threshing sledge,
    new, sharp, and having teeth;
you shall thresh the mountains and crush them,
    and you shall make the hills like chaff;
16 you shall winnow them, and the wind shall carry them away,
    and the tempest shall scatter them.
And you shall rejoice in the Lord;
    in the Holy One of Israel you shall glory.
17 When the poor and needy seek water,
    and there is none,
    and their tongue is parched with thirst,
I the Lord will answer them;
    I the God of Israel will not forsake them.
18 I will open rivers on the bare heights,
    and fountains in the midst of the valleys.
I will make the wilderness a pool of water,
    and the dry land springs of water.
19 I will put in the wilderness the cedar,
    the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive.
I will set in the desert the cypress,
    the plane and the pine together,
20 that they may see and know,
    may consider and understand together,
that the hand of the Lord has done this,
    the Holy One of Israel has created it.
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The notes:

-The Israelites were slaves in Babylon when this chapter was written. "The northern kingdom of Israel had been carried into captivity (722 B.C.), and the kingdom of Judah was in the middle of idolatry and evil. The kingdom of Assyria had dominated the Fertile Crescent and posed a major threat to both kingdoms; and the kingdom of Babylon was gaining power and would replace Assyria as the dominant threat. In view of the fast-changing international scene, the people of Israel would be concerned about their lot in life—what would become of the promises of God? How could the chosen people survive, let alone be a theocracy again? And must the remnant of the righteous also suffer with the nation that for all purposes was pagan? (bible.com)"

-The messenger of the message of salvation is the prophet Isaiah.

1: The glory of God over the coastlands.

• Judge nothing before its time. Do not object against God's proceedings, rather wait in silence, being confident that He will carry you.

• "Coastlands"- Isaiah is using the word, "coastlands," here as shorthand for "ends of the earth." Literally, "coastlands" could mean islands, seas, distant lands, etc. Yahweh is calling to all nations to keep silent before Him. 

• "Let us draw near for judgement." Entering into His courtroom. 

• "Let the peoples renew their strength." In Isaiah 40:31, it says, "but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength..." However, in this text, the call for the people to renew their strength isn't comfort. It's a warning, a test. Those in distant lands who do not know Him and/or have turned from Him are guilty of idolatry. Isaiah is saying here, "y'all renew your own strength. You're obviously not relying on the One true God for it; you're idol worshippers. So you do whatever you need to do to gather up your strength by yourself. You're going to need it if you think you're gonna stand a chance against the One."

-They who wait for the Lord (Isaiah 40) have limitless strength that comes from God. Their strength is renewed as they wait for Him in faith. Their faith has merit because He is true. The idol-worshipping nations attempt to draw their "strength" from false gods. It will prove to be worthless (as the chapter progresses).

• "Let them approach; then let them speak. (emphasis added)" God will allow the idol-worshippers a chance to justify their idolatry. However, they must enter His courtroom in silence because of who He is. Is it silence of shame? Silence out of attention? Silence of reverence? Silence of submission? Silence of dread? It could be any of these; all are cause for them to be silent.

---

2-4: God reasoning with the nations.

• "Who stirred up one from the east?" He is questioning the idolaters. I looked into this bit a little further and scholars think that "the one from the east" could be Abraham. 
• "I, the Lord, the first, and with the last; I am he." In verse 25 (later on) Cyrus from the north is mentioned (who would later defeat the Babylonians and free the Israelites from captivity). It struck me that God is making the point that He is knowledgeable of the past, present, and future. He reminds them that He raised up Abraham (past), He knows what is happening everywhere all at the same time, including the present (as they are scattered to the ends of the earth and He has called them to court on account of their sins), and He will deliver His people (in the future, through Cyrus).

-God in Heaven directs human events, always moving to the best final resolution and fulfillment. He is sovereign.

---

5-7: The reaction of the nations.

"The coastlands have seen and are afraid, the ends of the earth tremble; they have drawn near and come. Everyone helps his neighbor and says to his brother, 'Be strong!' (emphasis added)" They have been brought so low by their encounter with the Almighty that they had to encourage one another to go on and stick with their side.

"The craftsman strengthens the goldsmith, and he who smooths with the hammer him who strikes the anvil, saying of the soldering, “It is good”; and they strengthen it with nails so that it cannot be moved." The nations, instead of letting their fear humble them, instead of turning from their sin and to God, turned from God and made idols out of gold. They saw the proof of His power and glory, and still they rejected Him and made their own god. *sigh* Kinda like I do. All the time.

-...and I find it so ironic. It's kind of funny, almost. To make a good "god", it took a craftsman, a goldsmith, organization, teamwork, labor, attention to the smallest detail because their god might fall if if it wasn't built right. Lol. Oh humanity. Thank the Lord for His grace.

---

8-9: God encourages Israel.

• "But you, Israel, my servant (emphasis added)..." The name Israel means, "Governed (led by, reigned over) by God." That's beautiful. Their general, their care-taker, is Jehovah-Shammah- "God who is with us endlessly, everywhere." Even in their oppression. Israel is twice addressed as, "servant". A servant/slave is someone who is without rights/standing, belonging to a great master. The perfect Master, in this case.

• "Jacob, whom I have chosen..." In Genesis 25, the story of Esau and Jacob is dictated. Esau is the oldest and the heir of his father's birthright. Jacob is jealous and buys the birthright from Esau. Jacob decieves father and claims the birthright (with mom's help). Father is distraught. Esau wants to kill Jacob. Jacob runs away. Granted, in the end Jacob returns and Esau forgives him. But the point that God is making in saying this is that Jacob was a conniving, untrustworthy man. God says this to get rid of any thoughts of pride the Israelites may have in being His chosen ones. Yes, they are chosen. By God's initiative. They are special because God made it so. 

• "I...have not cast you off..." The Israelites are imprisoned. God is very much aware of their plight and makes the point of saying, "I'm still here. I've still got you. You are still My very own and I have not cast you away." <3

• "My friend." He calls them His friend. This sinful people, whose sin has caused them to be enslaved, Jacob, this man who did this horrible thing, this people who is so very broken and so very dirty and so very needy...is His friend. 

Think on that for a second. Keep thinking as I keep going.

Abraham, Israel's father, was a friend of God, therefore, his descendants also were. In comparison, however, we, I, you are God's friend because of Jesus. John 15:14-15 says, "No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you." The Israelites were God's friend because they inherited it from Abraham. We, as children of God because of Christ's sacrifice on the cross, are friends of God and may come to Him freely. Christ has paid our wage. We are not only God's friends, we are His children, His sons and daughters, His family. Christ is all we need. <3

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10-13: Fear not; God's help is present.

• "Fear not, for I am with you." This is both a command and a promise. Fear/anxiety can be a sin if it causes us to turn from God and not trust Him. It's also comfort. "Don't be afraid; you have no reason to be." We are much more prone to fear and anxiety when we are alone. God tells them not to be afraid because they are not. He is with them. It's going to be okay.

• "Be not dismayed, for I am your God." "Remember me? Remember who I am? Remember all I've done? I remember you, so do not be dismayed. I am the One. I am your God."

• "I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." He is able to help them because of His glory and strength. Notice, though, He says, "I will help you." Because He loves them. He loves these people in their brokenness. He loves us. He loves us in our selfishness and stupidity and humanness. He loves us. <3

-Guys. He says, "I will uphold you." What does verse 7 say? I will tell you. :D Verse 7 says, "and they (the idol-worshippers) strengthen it (the gold idol) with nails so that it cannot be moved." But...what's this? God says, "I will uphold you." God needs no help from humanity. He's got us. He's strong enough for Himself and for all of us. I love that so much. That's so comforting. <3

• "Those who strive against you shall be as nothing and shall perish." He is for these people. In Genesis 12:3 God says to Abraham, "I will bless those who bless you, and him who dishonors you I will curse, and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed." Again, the Israelites are God's friends because their father, Abraham was. Therefore, if God says He will curse those who dishonor Abraham, the same is true for the Israelites.

---

14-16: Fear not; with God's help, no obstacle is too great.

• "Fear not, you worm Jacob, you men of Israel!" God has just given Israel some incredible encouragement. Here, again, He says Jacob's name. And He calls him a worm. Ouch. He is again reminding Israel of their lowly and deceitful past so that they will not take selfish pride in who they are and the things He is promising to them. 

• "I am the one who helps you, declares the Lord; your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel." The Hebrew for the word, "redeemer," is goel. The meaning is, "next of kin who takes his people's needs upon himself as if they were his own." I'll just let you think on that one. I think it speaks for itself. And I think it's really beautiful.

• "Behold, I make of you a threshing sledge, new, sharp, and having teeth; you shall thresh the mountains and crush them, and you shall make the hills like chaff; you shall winnow them, and the wind shall carry them away, and the tempest shall scatter them." Nothing stands in these people's way when their God is helping them. He just called Jacob a worm. And yet, He is so for these people that He says He will take a worm and make it something that is powerful, new, and sharp with teeth. He tells them they will thresh the mountains and make the hills like chaff. 

This is a threshing sledge:

Looks like a cheese grater. It was used to sift and sort grain. God tells the Israelites that the mountains will crumble because they will disintegrate them. Grate them like cheese. :D 

This is chaff:

Have you ever held oats in your hand? These are sort of similar in size and texture. And they're...really small. The hills would be reduced to these cute little things. Have you ever been to the country and seen vast, giant, rolling hills? Now picture them reduced to this. Yeah. I know.

• "And you shall rejoice in the Lord; in the Holy One of Israel you shall glory." Israel, rejoice in Him. You are overcoming great obstacles with His help. My friend Julia said to me once, "Your glory is that you suck, but God is awesome." A-freaking-men.

---
17-20: Fear not; God has abundant resources; He will provide.

• "When the poor and needy seek water, 
• and there is none, 
• and their tongue is parched with thirst, 
• I the Lord will answer them; 
• I the God of Israel will not forsake them.
•  I will open rivers on the bare heights, 
• and fountains in the midst of the valleys. 
• I will make the wilderness a pool of water, 
• and the dry land springs of water. 
• I will put in the wilderness the cedar, 
• the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive. 
• I will set in the desert the cypress, 
• the plane and the pine together." These people are enslaved. I would imagine they don't have the greatest living conditions. They're being oppressed. Physically, they're probably filthy and exhausted and hungry and parched and hot and just all-around uncomfortable. In response to the cry of the poor and needy, God says that He will go so far as to open rivers in bare places, fountains in the middle of valleys, pools of water in the wilderness, springs in the desert. He says He will put tall, wide trees in the desert. He will give His people water and shade. Shelter. Rest. Relief. He will be their Remedy. 

• "That they may see and know, may consider and understand together, that the hand of the Lord has done this, the Holy One of Israel has created it." These things He is promising He will do for them are impossible by human standards. Therefore, they cannot take the credit for these miracles. God gets all the glory. 

Guys...guys, think about that. Think about the insane amount of love the Lord has for His own...
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"We are His portion and He is our prize

drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes;

if His grace is an ocean

we're all sinking..." <3

Her name was Alyssa

I was in 6th grade and just getting used to public school. Learning that people aren't always kind. Learning about swear words and slang for sexual terms. Learning how to be quiet so as not to draw attention to myself. Learning that I could trust my choir teacher. My dean told me about a faith club that met on Friday mornings. I told my mom and she drove me in early that Friday. I walked in, greeted my dean, and reached for a doughnut, and accidentally hit the arm of the girl in front of me. She turned around. I shrank back.

"I'm so sorry."

"Oh, don't worry about it!" Her smile was bright. She cocked her head to one side. "I don't think I've met you before. What grade are you in?"

"6th."

"Oh, okay! I'm in 7th." She stuck her hand out. "I'm Alyssa. It's good to meet you. What's your name?"

"I'm Anna."

"Cool. I'm really glad you're here. Do you have a place to sit?" I nodded numbly and indicated toward a table where a couple of the girls I knew were sitting. "Oh, awesome! I think we're gonna start, so I'll talk to you later!" And then she bounced away. I relaxed a little. She was kind.
---
I was in 7th grade and struggling with anxiety. When I started shaking in the middle of math class, my teacher send me to the nurse and I sat rigid in my chair, gnawing on the straw of a juice box. The nurse asked me the basic questions and I mumbled answers, wishing for my mom, disappearing further and further into my chair. I jumped when I heard my name exclaimed.

"Hey, girl!" I jerked my head around to see Alyssa standing there. "You okay?" I nodded.

"I just don't feel good." She gave me a sympathetic smile. I took a deep breath and asked, "what are you doing in here?"

"Oh, I'm going home." I don't remember her reason. I do remember that I got up and walked out of the office with her, and right there, in the middle of the hallway, Alyssa put her hand on my shoulder and prayed for me. Gave me a hug and told me she'd see me tomorrow. And walked out the doors. I stood there for a second trying to understand what had just happened. Let out a sort of half laugh. Then I went back to class. I didn't shake for the rest of the week. She was compassionate.
---
I was in 8th grade and she was at the high school. We had started messaging on Facebook and she asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I told her I wanted to go to Africa and work with kids, and she told me to always seek the Lord's will in everything I did, and encouraged me to pursue my dream. I asked her what she wanted to be, and she told me maybe a nurse or something. And then she said, "and after my life is over and I get to Heaven, I'm going to run up to Jesus and give Him a huge hug. And He'll probably fall over." I laughed at my friend's eagerness to meet her Lord and wondered if I would have the same desire someday. I didn't know Him then. Later that summer, I went on a mission's trip to Chicago and met Jesus all over again. She rejoiced with me. She was real.
---
I was in 9th grade and struggling to adjust to the high school, struggling with grades, struggling with myself, struggling with food, struggling with God, struggling with my life in general. Alyssa was aware and had been praying for me for sometime. She had texted me that morning and told me she was going to Caribou before school and asked me if I wanted anything. I said no. I sat in class and tried to understand triangles and how to find x and the Pythagorean theorem, and then the door opened, and I jumped as a familiar voice exclaimed, "is Anna Bode in here?!" I groaned as the class laughed, and got up to hug her as she set a hot chocolate on my desk. She made a joke about how unbearable math class was and how I would need a pick-me-up. I called her a dork. She just grinned and told me to have a nice day and went out the door, talking loudly with her friend as their voices disappeared down the hallway. My teacher chuckled and continued with the lesson. I shook my head and sipped my hot chocolate and couldn't believe that she had done it. Later I learned that Alyssa had gone to the office, figured out what class I was in, and then went across the school and down two flights of stairs, and then had gone to her own class late. Just to bring me Caribou. She was crazy. She was my friend. She was selfless.
---
I was in 10th grade and we weren't talking as much in person anymore. I was actively involved with one of the faith clubs at the high school, and was scheduled to speak on Friday. We had been texting a little back and forth; I had asked for her help and she was giving me ideas and guidance. Late that Tuesday night, I needed to go to bed, so I told her goodnight. She responded, lol, goodnight girl!!! I'll see you tomorrow!! Sweet dreams and god bless you!!! <3 She loved her exclamation points.

The next day, I was sitting in the piano room at school. There was an announcement over the loudspeakers asking teachers to read an email that had been sent district wide. I ignored it, thinking it was about sports. Then the door opened, and one of the freshman came in. "One of the juniors died." My breath caught in my throat. I got up and shoved past her and ran to the choir room where my teacher was sitting.

"Who...?" My teacher stood. She came over to me and put her hand on my shoulder.

"Alyssa Ettl."

My legs stopped working and I would've sank to the floor if she hadn't put her arms around my waist and held me up. I heard someone sobbing, choking, screaming. I tried to block it out. She pushed my face into her shoulder. And then I realized the screams were my own. She was gone.
---
I was in 10th grade and my heart was broken.

I went to church that night and broke down in Julia's arms. 10 minutes I stayed there. Broken. Weeping. Exhausted. In shock.

I didn't go to classes for 3 days.

I still spoke on Friday. About her. I told everyone that she wasn't dead and to be strong and that it was okay. And then I went home that day and lay in bed at 3:00, my door shut, and refused to talk to anyone for the rest of the day.

I stood next to a friend at the side of the road, along with most of the rest of the school, on a freezing December morning, gagging on the Lord's Prayer. Pressed a kiss to the ribbon-laden cross hanging on a post. Squeezed my eyes shut in the truck on the way home and tried to hear her voice.

I stood slumped against my junior high youth pastor at her visitation. Cried into her dad's shoulder and told him I was so sorry. He told me that she really loved me.

I sat next to a guy friend at her funeral. I didn't cry.

I pressed another kiss to her casket at the burial. Told her I was glad she had gotten the hug she told me she had been waiting for from Him. Said goodbye. Let Zach put his arm around me and steer me away.
---
I was in 10th grade, it was two weeks after the funeral, it was 11:30 at night, and I sat on my mother's bed, wrapped in her arms, my body convulsing in a panic attack, crying uncontrollably, struggling to breathe. "It's okay," she kept whispering, "it's okay. It's okay. It's okay."
---
I was in 10th grade, and I spoke to my God for the first time in a month. And I began to heal.
---
I was in 10th grade, and I sat on a stool in front of my church youth group, and I told them the story of how my God came near in the middle of the worst month of my life.
---
I was in 10th grade, and I wrote her a letter. Poured out everything I had been keeping in. Told her thank you. Told her I was sorry. Told her I love her. And the pieces of my heart came back together.
---
Her name was Alyssa, she was my friend. She lived. Oh, did she live. And then, one day, she died. And left behind a changed school, changed people, a changed district. There will never be anyone quite like her.

Her name was Alyssa, and she showed a scared 11 year old that she cared. That not all the world was mean. That God is faithful. And that you don't have to be big to make a change. She always said, "live a little, love a lot."

Her name was Alyssa, and sometimes I ache so badly to say her name and have her turn around that it physically hurts. But one day I'll be with her, and I find comfort in knowing that my God has her in His grasp.

Her name was Alyssa, and every time I hear that name, I sting a little inside, and then I smile, and I remember the girl who changed me.

---

He satisfies

I'm getting better.

I can feel it in my throat, my bones, my voice, my chest, my muscles. I see it in my eyes when I look in a mirror; I don't look ready to flee at the sight of my body anymore; my stomach no longer scares me. I'm allowing myself to put on makeup. Last week, I taught myself how to apply mascara. I have more drive to accomplish things. I went running on Friday. On Friday night I had ice cream with a couple of my friends. I enjoyed every bite. 

I'm getting better. 

I know I am, because when I start to sink back into old habits, there's a new, definite feeling of alarm. "No, no, no. I don't need that. I'm not going back again. I'm whole." I have less tolerance for letting myself slip. I know what leniency means, and I'm determined to move forward. I'm not going back. There's no point in looking there. 

I'm getting better. 

I'm not shrinking back from leadership anymore. I'm answering questions that the younger girls at church have, I'm reaching out, I'm being kind, I'm stepping up. On Thursday night, I led our girl's bible study. I loved it. I felt like I belonged there, in that place, like I knew what I was doing. I felt confident. Confidence is new for me as well, and you know what? I could get used to it. 

I'm getting better. 

The scars aren't a source of shame anymore. Yes, that is where I was. But here I am, my heart rejoices, here I am. Here I am. He has brought me here and He has made me clean. I'm clean. Redeemed. Satisfied. Fresh. White. I can rest and I can see and I can breathe and I'm clean and I'm grinning as I write this to you, because, darling, it feels so good. I didn't think I'd ever get here. But that is where I came from, and here I am. Here I am. 

I'm getting better. 

I love my God. There was a long stretch of time where I wasn't sure what I believed. My knowledge of the Lord is so minuscule. But a couple of weeks ago, I realized that I don't have be a theologian because I know that He is good. That He cares. That He is just. That He is in control of everything. I've witnessed it, I have heard Him speak, I know what He can do, and although I know so little of Who He is, I know that He is good. This world we live in is so broken and twisted and lost, but it doesn't change Him. In spite of everything else, if I have nothing else to cling to, I can go to that. I can go to the truth of His strong and pure and perfect love, and the safety of my Father's grip, and it will be enough. 

I'm getting better. 

I don't run to my older sisters for comfort and safety as much anymore. Not because they won't still take care of me, but because there's less of a desperate need to be taken care of. My Abba has been repairing my heart and carrying me in His arms, and I'm okay. And now it's my turn to be a big sister to my own girls. And what a blessing. My 7th and 8th grade girls fill my days with light and joy and just the right amount of chaos (and drama ;D). They are a constant source of love and amusement and it is so fulfilling to be able to pour into them. Make no mistake, though, it's not just a one-way relationship. These girls have reminded me of things I've lost and forgotten along my way. They teach me about the most important things all over again. They have taught me so much about patience (not just because they ask my patience, but because they are ridiculously patient with me) and love. There's SO MUCH LOVE in their hearts for me that sometimes I'm shocked speechless. I wish I had earned it, but their hugs and kisses and little gifts and smiles and, "I love you,"'s and sweet exclamations of my name show me that I don't have to, because I will always have it. Their love has no price or standards. It's beautiful. They are so beautiful. The Lord has blessed me with the gift of my girls. And I love them, oh, so much. ❤❤❤

I'm getting better. 

On Thursday, the girls and I started going through Psalm 103. "My soul, praise Yahweh," the passage reads, "and all my inmost being, bless His holy name. My soul, praise Yahweh, and forget not all He has done for you. For He forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases. He redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with steadfast love and compassion. He satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." (1-5) The Lord heals. The Lord has healed. His people called Him Yehovah Rapha- literally translated to mean God our/the/my/who is Healer. It is so comforting to me that the Lord, Who was a healer then, is still my Great Physician today. He forgives all my sins- the sickness of my heart and soul- and makes me white as snow. He heals all my diseases- the sickness of my body- and refreshes me and makes me new. My body is not sick because the Lord has made me well. My heart and soul are covered in the blood of Christ. And He satisfies. The Lord has given me my life, my sisters, my voice, my salvation, my home, my body...so much...and my soul is at rest. Satisfied. I am secure and I am free and I am well and I am happy and I am getting better. 

I'm getting better. 

My soul, praise Yahweh. Forget not all He has done for you. He satisfies. 

❤

For Sarah

Listen to me, sister. I want to tell you something.

You are thirteen years old, and you trust people so fully, and that is so beautiful. 

But people will not always love you, and sometimes those who claim to love you won't always show you, won't prove it to you when you need it, and you'll find yourself brushing ashes off of your heart. With living water, put out the flames. Don't let fire ruin you because someone else wasn't careful with their matches. 

Listen to me, you must tread lightly. Interact lightly with yourself. Speak to others gently and remember that everyone feels, just like you do. Be kind. Be kind to others, and be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to mess up, and don't forget to clean up afterwords. Say, "I'm sorry. I was wrong." Remember that there is always forgiveness, if not from others, always from Him. With that knowledge, chill. :) Don't be so hard on yourself. Laughter can be the best remedy after a rough day.

Listen to me, you can't fix people. Your love won't make her stop hating her father, and your devotion won't cure her of her childhood. All you can do is be there, violets sprouting out from your ribs, acceptance on your lips, your own wounds still bleeding. All you can do is be there, and sometimes, that's enough. Sometimes, that's everything.

Listen to me, hating yourself for your imperfection is human and natural and pointless. Love formed you in your mother's womb. Listen to me, little sister, your face, your stomach, your eyes, your legs, you are perfect in Love's hands. You are born of Truth. You look the father of lies in the face and you tell him, "No. I am whole. I am beautiful. I am worthy of love. I am not incomplete. I stand behind my Abba. You can do nothing with me. You are not welcome. I know where I am found." 

Listen to me, Sarah, you are precious. You ARE precious. Forgive those who try to convince you otherwise, muddying your walls with their ink. They let someone convince them a long time ago that "precious" was not a word they could paint with, so they stopped, and bitterness has replaced it, and black is the color they carry around in their pockets and spill onto others. Onto you. But even black ink can be removed. You just have to find the right shade of blue to replace it. Maybe you'll even help them to find it, too.

Listen to me, I am here. I cannot promise I will always be here. But I am here, and you have me, and I have you, and we must be content with Love's purpose for what is, right now, right at this moment. You must learn to memorize His heartbeat. Let it fill you up when you feel empty and lifeless. There is always life to find, always a song, but you must look, little sister. You must look.

Listen to me, the world is turning under your feet and life is happening and you cannot freeze it. Ice is unstable, you will get hurt if you try to tame it. Unclench your fists, sister, and take what comes with grace. Grace, grace, learn to dance with grace. You'll find it easier to walk, and the ground will find you easier to bear. 

Listen to me, you are loved, very loved. Love came down two thousand years ago and cleaned up all your messes, forever. You must learn what to do with that Love, you must learn to embrace Him. Oh, He will do marvelous things when you embrace Him. 

You must learn to choose Him first, something I am still learning to do myself. Let Him love you in return. Don't allow yourself to become jaded. Rest in the Love that will never let go of you, even when everyone else seemingly has. 

He never will. I promise you, He never will. Sarah, my sister, you are held and you are secure and you have nothing to fear and Love will never let go of you. 

He will never, ever let you go.

❤

Everything moves but You

"All the things I pursue, well, they stay for a season
then everything moves.
Everything moves, oh, my towers fall
but You aren't leaving me.
Everything moves
but You..."
~Everything Moves But You, Christa Wells
------
My heart goes out to all my senior friends as we just returned from our winter church retreat. The last retreat of this year. For most of them, the last senior high retreat they'll ever be able to go on.

And it makes me a little bit sad and a lot scared. See, I'm a sophomore and I've basically spent my high school years with the older girls. I met Vicky the summer going into 9th grade and she, in turn, introduced me to the other girls. Vicky, Marta, Sarah, Holly (who is now in college, granted, but still mentioned because she's still very much a lovely part of my life), Heather, Liz, Rachel, Natalee, Christina, and Molly are literally my sisters, as well as my best friends. They've taken care of me in every single way. They've grown me in maturity and in the knowledge of our God. They've kicked my butt when I've needed it. ;) They've grown close to me and shared themselves with me and loved me and adopted me into their little family. They've learned my heart and I've learned theirs. 

They alone understand my hatred for the color orange and all things related.

They give me long hugs and play with my hair because they know that my love language is touch.

They know that I have zero pain tolerance and try to be as gentle as possible when they give me back massages.

They know what to do when I panic.

They know when I'm not okay by simply taking a glance at my face.

They know the love that I have for music and pianos and singing.

They know that candy makes me elated and Nutella is my favorite and that I only eat it with a spoon because any way else is a sin.

They help me out of trees when I get stuck, even after warning me to be careful. :P

They know that I'm a drama queen and super sarcastic, and not to take me seriously when I tell them that I "hate them" and that they've "ruined my life" and that I'll "never speak to them again."

They know what I'm like on very little sleep and insist that I go to bed at a decent time as a result (probably out of fear. :P).

They give me little gifts and laugh at my reactions.

They've given me nicknames.

They tease me and make me all flustered because they think it's funny to see me exasperated. How rude. -_-

But in all seriousness, they know. They know me. And I feel so valued and I feel like I belong and I feel so, so safe and loved because of that. They're so wonderful...❤

 We've done everything together. Celebrated birthdays and holidays, had sleepovers, worshiped together, prayed together and for each other, studied the Word together, laughed and cried together, fought and made up, encouraged one another, teased each other, surprised each other, and have just had so much fun together...and...I've never been on a retreat without them there, not in high school. I've never been to any church event, I don't think, without them there, at least some of them. I've grown up, at least in high school, seeing my sisters 3 and 4 and sometimes even 5 times a week, depending on what's happening at church. But now their last retreat is over. They're graduating in 4 months and most of them are leaving for college in 6.

My heart feels the familiar, icy grip of fear as I write. I'm...I'm not ready to grow up. I'm 15 years old; I'm not ready to be one of the upperclassmen. I'm not ready to let them go. I'm not ready to be depended on. I'm not as independent as I thought I was. I'm not ready...

I was talking to one of my leaders on Sunday morning, sharing my heart with her and telling her I want Him to be my Everything. I want Him to be the One, the only One. The only One I seek for fulfillment, my Comfort, my Love, my Everything. And as I spoke, He whispered a familiar word in my ears.

Surrender.

I realized, all over again, that if I want Him to be my Everything, I have to give Him everything. All of me. All my thoughts, all my fears, everything I hold dear and precious to me, my loved ones, my plans, my insecurities, my dreams, my future, my life...everything.

The Lord will not shove His way into my crevasses. He will not force my devotion or openness or service or yielding. And He knows my heart; it's not like I am "hiding" anything from Him that He's unaware of or hasn't seen. He cannot fully fill the places that I claim I want Him to if I am setting things in the places that should be His. He shouldn't have to push clutter out of the way to settle Himself in.

In surrendering, it means gathering up my most prized possessions, including my sisters, and placing them at the foot of the cross for Him to do with them what He will, trusting that He is sovereign and I am not, He is God and I am human, He is infinitely wise and I have much yet left to learn. Vicky said to me once, "live with open hands," and I suppose I am learning that concept every new day that comes. I need to stop fighting time. Time will pass and sift like grains of sand in an hourglass, and I can't grab it and reverse it and make it go back. I cannot continue to go through life with my little fists clenched in an iron grip, swinging at Him when He continues to work around me.

But I can give Him every day as a sacrifice when I wake, give Him my blank piece of paper and say, "Here You go. Here it is. Here I am. I am Yours. Have Your way in me. You know best and You have me and today is Yours and I am open to You. Here is my heart. I am fully, completely surrendered to You. Do whatever You want with me."

Oh, darling...isn't that beautiful?...

And my God, Who is constant and one and whole and loves me with a love that spans past eternity smiles a wide smile that I've seen in my daydreams and reaches down and touches my face and takes my heart

and continues to mold it.

Takes my blank piece of paper

and continues to write my story

and never leaves and never abandons and always hears and will not allow my feet to stumble. My heart may break and tremble for the change and the knowledge that I can't hold my sisters forever, that there is a new chapter coming and it will be here before I see it and there will always, always be goodbyes this side of Glory...

But my God? He will hold me through it all, He will be my Rock. He will be my Constant. He will take care of my sisters. He will keep our relationships strong. He will never leave me and He will help me through and with it all. There are no goodbyes in God, no separation, no stinging change, no fear, no sorrow. Praise be to my Father, my Father Who is Father of the lights, Who does not change like shifting shadows. Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord...

"Everything moves, oh, my towers fall, but You aren't leaving me. Everything moves but You..." ❤

Confessions and stuff :)

This is gonna get personal, y'all.

There have been days and weeks and  months when I read the Bible and there are no grand epiphanies.

There are whole seasons of Sundays when I sing praise and feel nothing.

There are times when I pray where the silence kills me and it hurts to pray and I get frustrated because I know I have to but I don't want to. 

There are great Christian books that I eat up which don’t budge my spiritual life. 

There are too many times, so many times, when I doubt the very existence of God and the salvation I have in Him sending His Son. I doubt the story of Jesus. It can all feel like a crazy lie.

These past few weeks have been like that. 

I’m probably being too honest...but I’ve found that I’m not the only person who feels this way sometimes.

It’s in those times that I ask myself, “Am I out of love with God somehow? Am I losing my faith? How do I get back to where I used to be? What happened to us? Where is He?"

But I keep reading my Bible. I keep singing on Sundays. I keep praying. I soak in books and sermons. I serve. I enjoy the company of mature Christians. I enjoy the fellowship of the broken.

And you know what? Sometimes the clouds part and He comes and His love embraces my aching heart and I fall to my knees remembering Him. Remembering His goodness, remembering how loved I am, remembering my name in Him. Remembering my God. And I run to Him because I can finally see Him and He is there and I am found and I am safe and He is there and I love Him and oh, He is there...I can breathe... 

Then I read Scripture and can’t stop weeping and I turn up KTIS in the van on full blast and during worship on Sundays I close my eyes and raise my arms high and sing with my whole heart. I serve with shaking hands and get convicted by those sermons and soak in my Abba's goodness all over again.

So...I’ve learned over these past few weeks...I wasn’t really out of love with God. I'm not. I love Him so much. I’m just a fragile little human child who changes as much as the weather. I have been setting a ridiculous standard for myself that can’t be defined by harsh, self-pressuring boundaries. I was tricked by the enemy into judging my flesh. 

My faith is based on His grace. Not my feelings. 

And I think I need to relax. :)

❤

Early this morning

Find me here

Speak to me

I want to feel You

I need to hear You

You are the Light

that's leading me

to the place 

Where I find peace

again...

---

I've been awake for 3 hours and I can't sleep. My stomach is tied up in knots. My palms are sweaty as I clutch my blanket like a lifeline. I desperately want to be held. My breathing is shallow and hard to focus on. My heart is aching and throbbing and every beat is a memory but I can't go back. 

I've attempted to start this post about 5 times now. I've tried to figure out how to mince words and fit in clichés so as to be encouraging or inspiring. Or something. But...I can't. Not today. I'm sorry. 

I'm exhausted. I'm worried about the ones I love. Stressed about school. Juggling lots of plates and I guess it's caught up to me. I don't know why I'm-

I do. 

Huh?

I know. 

Where are You coming from?...

I'm here, My love. 

Where?

And an ever-present, calming, bigger-than-life-quieter-than-silence voice whispers in my ears, my head, my heart. 

Look up. I'm holding you. Your head is resting on My chest. 

Oh, Father...

And as I weep, handing over my bleeding heart to the One, there's a certain peace that envelopes me. I am not forgotten. I am not forsaken. 

Hush, child. You are safe. You are home. I love you. 

"I want you to know that I'm not letting go, even when you come undone." 

Oh, Father. I hurt. Be my Remedy. 

He takes my dripping heart and cradles it in His fingertips. Runs His wounded palm over the cracks and breathes, and they seal up. Kisses the bruises. Brushes His thumb over the scars. 

You are My pottery. I am molding you, making you strong, making you complete, making you like Me. 

And slowly, the cloud over my eyes begins to dissipate, and I remember how to sing. 

"My God is strong and mighty, my God is faithful. My hope is in the Lord, for He is able..." 

Abba, I am Yours. I am not afraid. I am covered in Jesus' blood. You hem me in, above and below and on either side. I am not forgotten. I am safe from harm. You have me. I trust You. You have me. 

He laughs in gentle amusement as my heart rejoices. 

Relief is mine. Rest is mine. Joy is mine. I am free. You have been my Remedy. 

I look up at Him, Him, Him, full of ageless wisdom and splendor and beauty and fullness and mercy and kindness. And love. Such love. 

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, You've never failed and You won't start now. 

I breathe deeply. There's no fear. My God is bigger and I am resting in His arms. 

Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders, I pray. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior. 

He is so beautiful. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me. 

I will call upon Your name 

And keep my eyes above the waves 

When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace. 

I am Yours

And You are mine. 

Thank You for holding on to me. 

He smiles a smile I've seen before. He knows. 

Oh, darling, what hope...

My God has become like me. 

He knows. 

He knows. 

With His truth echoing in my core, I lay my head back down and sleep. ❤