For my benefit

Long time since I've written. It feels good to be back. :)

My church youth group is going on our fall retreat on Thursday, and though I can honestly say I can't wait, at the same time I am uncomfortable and frightened at the thought of going without my seniors. It's so weird. Being an upperclassman is so foreign; I'm still getting used to it. I'll be okay, though, you know? The Lord places us in different seasons for different reasons, but always for the good of the ones He loves.

Speaking of which, I was reading in Isaiah the other night; a story of a righteous king who was very sick and cried out to the Lord for deliverance. Read with me; the text is found in Isaiah 37:
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9 A writing of Hezekiah king of Judah, after he had been sick and had recovered from his sickness:

10 I said, In the middle[d] of my days
    I must depart;
I am consigned to the gates of Sheol
    for the rest of my years.
11 I said, I shall not see the Lord,
    the Lord in the land of the living;
I shall look on man no more
    among the inhabitants of the world.
12 My dwelling is plucked up and removed from me
    like a shepherd's tent;
like a weaver I have rolled up my life;
    he cuts me off from the loom;
from day to night you bring me to an end;
13     I calmed myself[e] until morning;
like a lion he breaks all my bones;
    from day to night you bring me to an end.
14 Like a swallow or a crane I chirp;
    I moan like a dove.
My eyes are weary with looking upward.
    O Lord, I am oppressed; be my pledge of safety!
15 What shall I say? For he has spoken to me,
    and he himself has done it.
I walk slowly all my years
    because of the bitterness of my soul.
16 O Lord, by these things men live,
    and in all these is the life of my spirit.
    Oh restore me to health and make me live!
17 Surely it was for my benefit
    that I suffered such anguish;
but in love you have delivered my life
    from the pit of destruction,
for you have cast all my sins
    behind your back.
18 For Sheol does not thank you;
    death does not praise you;
those who go down to the pit do not hope
    for your faithfulness.
19 The living, the living, he thanks you,
    as I do this day;
the father makes known to the children
    your faithfulness.
20 The Lord will save me,
    and we will play my music on stringed instruments
all the days of our lives,
    at the house of the Lord.
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Reading this passage last night resonated deeply with my soul. I have been though the valley of the shadow. Recently, even. I have come face-to-face with unfair circumstances. I have been sick at heart and cried to the Lord to deliver me. I cannot count on two hands how many times I have sat silently, paralyzed at the aching of my heart, or screamed, cried, balled my fists and gritted my teeth and pleaded like Hezekiah, "O, Lord, I am oppressed; be my pledge of safety! Oh, restore me to health and make me live!"

Sometimes, my God does not respond in the way I, in all of my 16-year-old wisdom, think He should, and most of the time the Enemy likes to tempt me with the lie that because my prayers are not "being answered," He does not care. But that thinking is so flawed because my God has proven Himself so faithful to me. Always. I have seen it, though not always right away. Every time I face a storm of any sort, no matter how hopeless seems the struggle, I am always somehow able to come out the other side, somehow still able to lift my face to Heaven and say, whether it is whispered in exhaustion with tears of relief streaming down my face or sung at the top of my lungs, "My soul, praise Yahweh!"

If I ask the Lord for patience, for example, Him saying, "Yes, of course, dear," and instantly handing it to me would defeat the purpose of learning to be patient. Instead, He is going to allow circumstances into my life to test and strengthen my patience. They may suck and I may kick and scream in the process because I don't understand that it is for my good at the time, but in the end I will come out that much more patient and that much more like Him.

For this reason, I refuse to believe that God brings trouble into my life simply because He is God and enjoys exercising His authority. My God is not a prideful bully waiting to strike me down as soon as I stand. My loving Father knows my struggles and my needs; He allows trials to come into my life accordingly so that I may be strengthened and refined and made holy. Hezekiah said, "Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish; but in love you have delivered my life from the pit of destruction, for you have cast all my sins behind your back." (v. 17, emphasis added.) Everything He does is for my good. My good God wants me to have abundant life. Abundant, however, does not mean a life free of struggle. Jesus said, "In the world you will have tribulation." Of course I am going to face trouble in this place that is not my home. It is one of the promises of my humanity. BUT. But. "But take heart; I have overcome the world."

So much has happened in my life that people could look at and pity me for; in fact, I do a wonderful job of throwing pity parties for myself. But looking back on this path that I have walked, from where I am right now, I am so richly blessed with the people and circumstances the Lord has used to bring me to this place. Because of them, even with how painful they were at the time, I am so much more mature, patient, wiser, quieter, and refined, and so much more well-aware of the fact that He loves me. My God has a deep, personal love for me. He wants my best. It takes my breath away. I have done nothing to deserve Him. Praise Him with me; He is so good. He does all things for my benefit.

"The living, the living, he thanks you, as I do this day; the father makes known to the children your faithfulness...and we will play...music on stringed instruments all the days of our lives, at the house of the Lord." (v. 20)

Lead me on, Lord, my Strength. Thank You for Your love for me. You are glorious and You are Everything and You are so wonderful to me and I love You. I am so unworthy. I wish I could kiss Your feet. ❤