Brokenness Aside

I wake up this morning and my stomach is immediately filled sick with anxiety. A daily morning occurrence, it is not new for me, but this morning, I mutter, "No. Not doing this." I close my eyes and breathe, say good morning to my boyfriend, get dressed, and go outside to take the dog for a walk.

I am surrounded by glory.

I am reminded of the prophet Elijah in 1 Kings 19. Standing on a mountain before the Lord, Elijah experiences a great wind, but the Lord is not in the wind. Then comes an earthquake, but the Lord is not in the earthquake. Then comes a fire, but the Lord is not in the fire. And after all of these calamities are past, Elijah hears the voice of the Lord in a quiet whisper.

A quiet whisper. 

Everything is whispering around me. Besides my dog and the occasional squirrel here and there, I am alone, just me and the trees. And everything is whispering. The wind through the tree's naked branches, the snow whisking across the thin, frozen surface of the pond, my boots through the leaves on the ground. And I stop for a second and just stare, transfixed, at the chilled clarity of everything around me and the ice and the sky and the snow and the grass and my God has given me all this and Christ?...

It's been a really long, long time since I have been able to or have allowed myself to just be. My heart has been striving, I am often discontent, anxious, sad, my head is on a constant swivel, I never stop.

And here in the cold, with only me and the pond and the dog and the quiet, I feel Him leading me to rest. He's been doing that, lately. I am learning what it takes to get through life with my one broken heart and all of this fear and uncertainly and longing and learning that maybe joy isn't circumstantial, maybe joy is an awareness of my brokenness and an equal awareness that there's this Man that sees me and holds the universe together by the word of His power, even me. And maybe it's not about "getting through" so much as it is allowing Him who loves me with a pure love that washes stains and sees me as I am and clothes me in white, white, like snow, to lead me even when I can't see and can't comprehend or grasp the grace right in front of me.

And I walk on, taking it all in, allowing myself to just be, be with Him, be broken and be okay with it because broken does not mean ruined, broken means held and seen and melded together, and healing, always healing, surrounded with a love like the snow.