Early this morning

Find me here

Speak to me

I want to feel You

I need to hear You

You are the Light

that's leading me

to the place 

Where I find peace

again...

---

I've been awake for 3 hours and I can't sleep. My stomach is tied up in knots. My palms are sweaty as I clutch my blanket like a lifeline. I desperately want to be held. My breathing is shallow and hard to focus on. My heart is aching and throbbing and every beat is a memory but I can't go back. 

I've attempted to start this post about 5 times now. I've tried to figure out how to mince words and fit in clichés so as to be encouraging or inspiring. Or something. But...I can't. Not today. I'm sorry. 

I'm exhausted. I'm worried about the ones I love. Stressed about school. Juggling lots of plates and I guess it's caught up to me. I don't know why I'm-

I do. 

Huh?

I know. 

Where are You coming from?...

I'm here, My love. 

Where?

And an ever-present, calming, bigger-than-life-quieter-than-silence voice whispers in my ears, my head, my heart. 

Look up. I'm holding you. Your head is resting on My chest. 

Oh, Father...

And as I weep, handing over my bleeding heart to the One, there's a certain peace that envelopes me. I am not forgotten. I am not forsaken. 

Hush, child. You are safe. You are home. I love you. 

"I want you to know that I'm not letting go, even when you come undone." 

Oh, Father. I hurt. Be my Remedy. 

He takes my dripping heart and cradles it in His fingertips. Runs His wounded palm over the cracks and breathes, and they seal up. Kisses the bruises. Brushes His thumb over the scars. 

You are My pottery. I am molding you, making you strong, making you complete, making you like Me. 

And slowly, the cloud over my eyes begins to dissipate, and I remember how to sing. 

"My God is strong and mighty, my God is faithful. My hope is in the Lord, for He is able..." 

Abba, I am Yours. I am not afraid. I am covered in Jesus' blood. You hem me in, above and below and on either side. I am not forgotten. I am safe from harm. You have me. I trust You. You have me. 

He laughs in gentle amusement as my heart rejoices. 

Relief is mine. Rest is mine. Joy is mine. I am free. You have been my Remedy. 

I look up at Him, Him, Him, full of ageless wisdom and splendor and beauty and fullness and mercy and kindness. And love. Such love. 

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, You've never failed and You won't start now. 

I breathe deeply. There's no fear. My God is bigger and I am resting in His arms. 

Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders, I pray. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior. 

He is so beautiful. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me. 

I will call upon Your name 

And keep my eyes above the waves 

When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace. 

I am Yours

And You are mine. 

Thank You for holding on to me. 

He smiles a smile I've seen before. He knows. 

Oh, darling, what hope...

My God has become like me. 

He knows. 

He knows. 

With His truth echoing in my core, I lay my head back down and sleep. ❤

Remembering her, remembering Him

Tonight, I'm remembering. 

There's a little girl I love, maybe 5 years old now. Her name is Chrissy. I haven't seen her in a very long time. Things happen and seasons change and people go away. But I got to have her, constantly, for a little while. I'm so thankful for that. 

And I remember. 

It was a Sunday morning. I don't remember what was happening in my life at the time, but I do know that my heart was crumbling away, piece by piece, and I was hurting. She was sitting on my lap behind her mama and her brothers. She liked to do that. I never understood why she always chose to come to me, but you don't see flaws when you're 5 years old. You love simply and fully and selflessly. I suppose that might have been why. 

Worship had just ended. It had been a particularly powerful song, and my heart was weak, and as I had lifted my free hand (I was holding her with the other arm) I had begun to cry with no thought as to the little girl nestled up against me and her reaction. 

I sat down with Chrissy when the worship ended, and the offering plate began to go around. I was still unsteady. I probably should have handed her to her mama at that point, but I find a certain comfort in little ones, so, selfishly, I kept her. At one point she glanced up at me as I was attempting to discreetly wipe away the dampness on my face. 

Chrissy's eyes grew big. She carefully reached up one little hand and poked my face with her tiny pointer finger. "You're leaking," she whispered. I gave her a sort of smile. 

"I know." Her delicate little eyebrows crinkled. 

"Are you crying?" I gave her a quick nod. 

"Just a little. Don't worry." But of course, once a little one is concerned, you can't satisfy them with a quick answer. I should've known better. 

"Why? Do you have a owie?" 

"Sort of. I have an owie you can't see. It's on my heart." 

"Where?" Chrissy gazed at me, confused. I pointed at my chest, about where my heart would be; where I hoped it might make a little more sense to her. "Ooohh." Realization dawned, she made the connection to my tears, and she reached up and laced her arm around my shoulder before laying her head on my chest. I held her for maybe 2 minutes. The song for the offering ended, and the worship leader encouraged everyone to get up and say hello to each other. I stood up with her and said good morning to the strangers around me. They smiled at her and shook my hand, cooing when she reached out hers for them to shake as well. 

We sat back down. There was still a dull roar as the congregation spoke all at once. I had assumed Chrissy had forgotten all about our little conversation. But she sat up in my lap and grabbed a curl of my hair. 

"You could come and live at my house. You won't be sad there." 

And then her mama came and took her and carried her away to her nursery class. I sat there and stared at nothing and worked on memorizing her smile. I still didn't understand why such a little girl cared so much about a heart that was so unstable. I didn't think she would wrap her arms around me so easily if she knew how much was wrong with me and my current situation. It might scare her. Even so, I was thankful for her sweet little hands and voice and face. Thankful that she didn't know, and just saw me for her friend, and was content to. Thankful for her love. 

And then I realized something. 

How much more does my Father love me than a 5 year old little girl?

Fast forward to the present. 

Lately, I've been struggling with feeling like a burden. I'm afraid of being annoying. I don't want to be an obligation. And I guess sometimes I pin my insecurity to Him. 

But...I'm not a burden to Him. Not in the way my mind perceives when I hear the word, "burden". I've given the word a negative connotation...but there is nothing but delight in my Father's heart when I go to Him. 

Matthew 11:28-30 says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” 

I always forget that God wants to be with me always, wherever I am, even when things get confusing. I need to stop divorcing Him from my mess. He isn't withholding me from the gift of His presence. Only I am. 

Come to Me. 

Come to Me, My love. I can care for all of you. Give Me your hurt, give Me your anger, give Me your confusion. Give Me your dreams, give Me the things that make you sing for joy, give Me your heart. Give Me yourself. 

Come. Come, come and remember Me. Come and lay yourself down. Come and rest in My love. 

Come, My love. Come and be in My presence. Come and be at home with Me.

You won't be sad here. 

So I Started a Blog. :D

I'm not quite sure how to go about this. I've never done this before. But a ton of my friends have blogs and they just record their thoughts and stuff. So I suppose I will, too. :) Sorta like a journal, I guess. Or a letter from me to you.

A little about me, if you don't know me. Which I'd assume you do. BUT. If you don't:

• My name is AnnaBella Marie Bode. I am 15 years old.

• I am homeschooled. As of Friday. To say I'm thrilled is a very large understatement. 

• I love Jesus (more on that in a bit), purple, my puppy, tea, laughing, Nutella, singing and playing my piano, summer, dresses, little kids, poems, cuddling, and many, many other things. 

• Jesus. Let's talk about Jesus for a second. I am deeply, utterly, thoroughly, hopelessly, desperately, overwhelmingly in LOVE with Jesus Christ, my Lord and my Savior. He is...*searches for a single word enough to describe the awesomeness of our God...can't find one...* He's my EVERYTHING. He constantly continues to surprise me and demonstrate His perfect love for me. He's my Refuge, my Strength, my loyal Companion, my Guide, my Comfort, my Brother, my Beautiful One, my Friend, my Rock, my Love, my Lord and my God, my Joy, my Life-Giver, my Abba, my Everything. It's been 1 year, 6 months, and 7 days since I gave Him my heart on an 8th grade mission's trip, and the rest is history. I've so very thankful for Him. He loves me. Sometimes I'm just struck mute and I don't understand it. He loves me. And I love Him. I love Him. I love Him. I love Him. I love Him. I love Him. And I love Him. And I love Him. And I love Him...

• "I still believe in summer days. The seasons always change and life will find a way." <3