Early this morning

Find me here

Speak to me

I want to feel You

I need to hear You

You are the Light

that's leading me

to the place 

Where I find peace

again...

---

I've been awake for 3 hours and I can't sleep. My stomach is tied up in knots. My palms are sweaty as I clutch my blanket like a lifeline. I desperately want to be held. My breathing is shallow and hard to focus on. My heart is aching and throbbing and every beat is a memory but I can't go back. 

I've attempted to start this post about 5 times now. I've tried to figure out how to mince words and fit in clichés so as to be encouraging or inspiring. Or something. But...I can't. Not today. I'm sorry. 

I'm exhausted. I'm worried about the ones I love. Stressed about school. Juggling lots of plates and I guess it's caught up to me. I don't know why I'm-

I do. 

Huh?

I know. 

Where are You coming from?...

I'm here, My love. 

Where?

And an ever-present, calming, bigger-than-life-quieter-than-silence voice whispers in my ears, my head, my heart. 

Look up. I'm holding you. Your head is resting on My chest. 

Oh, Father...

And as I weep, handing over my bleeding heart to the One, there's a certain peace that envelopes me. I am not forgotten. I am not forsaken. 

Hush, child. You are safe. You are home. I love you. 

"I want you to know that I'm not letting go, even when you come undone." 

Oh, Father. I hurt. Be my Remedy. 

He takes my dripping heart and cradles it in His fingertips. Runs His wounded palm over the cracks and breathes, and they seal up. Kisses the bruises. Brushes His thumb over the scars. 

You are My pottery. I am molding you, making you strong, making you complete, making you like Me. 

And slowly, the cloud over my eyes begins to dissipate, and I remember how to sing. 

"My God is strong and mighty, my God is faithful. My hope is in the Lord, for He is able..." 

Abba, I am Yours. I am not afraid. I am covered in Jesus' blood. You hem me in, above and below and on either side. I am not forgotten. I am safe from harm. You have me. I trust You. You have me. 

He laughs in gentle amusement as my heart rejoices. 

Relief is mine. Rest is mine. Joy is mine. I am free. You have been my Remedy. 

I look up at Him, Him, Him, full of ageless wisdom and splendor and beauty and fullness and mercy and kindness. And love. Such love. 

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, You've never failed and You won't start now. 

I breathe deeply. There's no fear. My God is bigger and I am resting in His arms. 

Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders, I pray. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior. 

He is so beautiful. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me. 

I will call upon Your name 

And keep my eyes above the waves 

When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace. 

I am Yours

And You are mine. 

Thank You for holding on to me. 

He smiles a smile I've seen before. He knows. 

Oh, darling, what hope...

My God has become like me. 

He knows. 

He knows. 

With His truth echoing in my core, I lay my head back down and sleep. ❤