Confessions and stuff :)

This is gonna get personal, y'all.

There have been days and weeks and  months when I read the Bible and there are no grand epiphanies.

There are whole seasons of Sundays when I sing praise and feel nothing.

There are times when I pray where the silence kills me and it hurts to pray and I get frustrated because I know I have to but I don't want to. 

There are great Christian books that I eat up which don’t budge my spiritual life. 

There are too many times, so many times, when I doubt the very existence of God and the salvation I have in Him sending His Son. I doubt the story of Jesus. It can all feel like a crazy lie.

These past few weeks have been like that. 

I’m probably being too honest...but I’ve found that I’m not the only person who feels this way sometimes.

It’s in those times that I ask myself, “Am I out of love with God somehow? Am I losing my faith? How do I get back to where I used to be? What happened to us? Where is He?"

But I keep reading my Bible. I keep singing on Sundays. I keep praying. I soak in books and sermons. I serve. I enjoy the company of mature Christians. I enjoy the fellowship of the broken.

And you know what? Sometimes the clouds part and He comes and His love embraces my aching heart and I fall to my knees remembering Him. Remembering His goodness, remembering how loved I am, remembering my name in Him. Remembering my God. And I run to Him because I can finally see Him and He is there and I am found and I am safe and He is there and I love Him and oh, He is there...I can breathe... 

Then I read Scripture and can’t stop weeping and I turn up KTIS in the van on full blast and during worship on Sundays I close my eyes and raise my arms high and sing with my whole heart. I serve with shaking hands and get convicted by those sermons and soak in my Abba's goodness all over again.

So...I’ve learned over these past few weeks...I wasn’t really out of love with God. I'm not. I love Him so much. I’m just a fragile little human child who changes as much as the weather. I have been setting a ridiculous standard for myself that can’t be defined by harsh, self-pressuring boundaries. I was tricked by the enemy into judging my flesh. 

My faith is based on His grace. Not my feelings. 

And I think I need to relax. :)

❤