"All the things I pursue, well, they stay for a season
then everything moves.
Everything moves, oh, my towers fall
but You aren't leaving me.
Everything moves
but You..."
~Everything Moves But You, Christa Wells
------
My heart goes out to all my senior friends as we just returned from our winter church retreat. The last retreat of this year. For most of them, the last senior high retreat they'll ever be able to go on.
then everything moves.
Everything moves, oh, my towers fall
but You aren't leaving me.
Everything moves
but You..."
~Everything Moves But You, Christa Wells
------
My heart goes out to all my senior friends as we just returned from our winter church retreat. The last retreat of this year. For most of them, the last senior high retreat they'll ever be able to go on.
And it makes me a little bit sad and a lot scared. See, I'm a sophomore and I've basically spent my high school years with the older girls. I met Vicky the summer going into 9th grade and she, in turn, introduced me to the other girls. Vicky, Marta, Sarah, Holly (who is now in college, granted, but still mentioned because she's still very much a lovely part of my life), Heather, Liz, Rachel, Natalee, Christina, and Molly are literally my sisters, as well as my best friends. They've taken care of me in every single way. They've grown me in maturity and in the knowledge of our God. They've kicked my butt when I've needed it. ;) They've grown close to me and shared themselves with me and loved me and adopted me into their little family. They've learned my heart and I've learned theirs.
They alone understand my hatred for the color orange and all things related.
They give me long hugs and play with my hair because they know that my love language is touch.
They know that I have zero pain tolerance and try to be as gentle as possible when they give me back massages.
They know what to do when I panic.
They know when I'm not okay by simply taking a glance at my face.
They know the love that I have for music and pianos and singing.
They know that candy makes me elated and Nutella is my favorite and that I only eat it with a spoon because any way else is a sin.
They help me out of trees when I get stuck, even after warning me to be careful. :P
They know that I'm a drama queen and super sarcastic, and not to take me seriously when I tell them that I "hate them" and that they've "ruined my life" and that I'll "never speak to them again."
They know what I'm like on very little sleep and insist that I go to bed at a decent time as a result (probably out of fear. :P).
They give me little gifts and laugh at my reactions.
They've given me nicknames.
They tease me and make me all flustered because they think it's funny to see me exasperated. How rude. -_-
They give me long hugs and play with my hair because they know that my love language is touch.
They know that I have zero pain tolerance and try to be as gentle as possible when they give me back massages.
They know what to do when I panic.
They know when I'm not okay by simply taking a glance at my face.
They know the love that I have for music and pianos and singing.
They know that candy makes me elated and Nutella is my favorite and that I only eat it with a spoon because any way else is a sin.
They help me out of trees when I get stuck, even after warning me to be careful. :P
They know that I'm a drama queen and super sarcastic, and not to take me seriously when I tell them that I "hate them" and that they've "ruined my life" and that I'll "never speak to them again."
They know what I'm like on very little sleep and insist that I go to bed at a decent time as a result (probably out of fear. :P).
They give me little gifts and laugh at my reactions.
They've given me nicknames.
They tease me and make me all flustered because they think it's funny to see me exasperated. How rude. -_-
But in all seriousness, they know. They know me. And I feel so valued and I feel like I belong and I feel so, so safe and loved because of that. They're so wonderful...❤
We've done everything together. Celebrated birthdays and holidays, had sleepovers, worshiped together, prayed together and for each other, studied the Word together, laughed and cried together, fought and made up, encouraged one another, teased each other, surprised each other, and have just had so much fun together...and...I've never been on a retreat without them there, not in high school. I've never been to any church event, I don't think, without them there, at least some of them. I've grown up, at least in high school, seeing my sisters 3 and 4 and sometimes even 5 times a week, depending on what's happening at church. But now their last retreat is over. They're graduating in 4 months and most of them are leaving for college in 6.
My heart feels the familiar, icy grip of fear as I write. I'm...I'm not ready to grow up. I'm 15 years old; I'm not ready to be one of the upperclassmen. I'm not ready to let them go. I'm not ready to be depended on. I'm not as independent as I thought I was. I'm not ready...
I was talking to one of my leaders on Sunday morning, sharing my heart with her and telling her I want Him to be my Everything. I want Him to be the One, the only One. The only One I seek for fulfillment, my Comfort, my Love, my Everything. And as I spoke, He whispered a familiar word in my ears.
Surrender.
I realized, all over again, that if I want Him to be my Everything, I have to give Him everything. All of me. All my thoughts, all my fears, everything I hold dear and precious to me, my loved ones, my plans, my insecurities, my dreams, my future, my life...everything.
The Lord will not shove His way into my crevasses. He will not force my devotion or openness or service or yielding. And He knows my heart; it's not like I am "hiding" anything from Him that He's unaware of or hasn't seen. He cannot fully fill the places that I claim I want Him to if I am setting things in the places that should be His. He shouldn't have to push clutter out of the way to settle Himself in.
In surrendering, it means gathering up my most prized possessions, including my sisters, and placing them at the foot of the cross for Him to do with them what He will, trusting that He is sovereign and I am not, He is God and I am human, He is infinitely wise and I have much yet left to learn. Vicky said to me once, "live with open hands," and I suppose I am learning that concept every new day that comes. I need to stop fighting time. Time will pass and sift like grains of sand in an hourglass, and I can't grab it and reverse it and make it go back. I cannot continue to go through life with my little fists clenched in an iron grip, swinging at Him when He continues to work around me.
But I can give Him every day as a sacrifice when I wake, give Him my blank piece of paper and say, "Here You go. Here it is. Here I am. I am Yours. Have Your way in me. You know best and You have me and today is Yours and I am open to You. Here is my heart. I am fully, completely surrendered to You. Do whatever You want with me."
Oh, darling...isn't that beautiful?...
And my God, Who is constant and one and whole and loves me with a love that spans past eternity smiles a wide smile that I've seen in my daydreams and reaches down and touches my face and takes my heart
and continues to mold it.
Takes my blank piece of paper
and continues to write my story
and never leaves and never abandons and always hears and will not allow my feet to stumble. My heart may break and tremble for the change and the knowledge that I can't hold my sisters forever, that there is a new chapter coming and it will be here before I see it and there will always, always be goodbyes this side of Glory...
But my God? He will hold me through it all, He will be my Rock. He will be my Constant. He will take care of my sisters. He will keep our relationships strong. He will never leave me and He will help me through and with it all. There are no goodbyes in God, no separation, no stinging change, no fear, no sorrow. Praise be to my Father, my Father Who is Father of the lights, Who does not change like shifting shadows. Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord...
"Everything moves, oh, my towers fall, but You aren't leaving me. Everything moves but You..." ❤
We've done everything together. Celebrated birthdays and holidays, had sleepovers, worshiped together, prayed together and for each other, studied the Word together, laughed and cried together, fought and made up, encouraged one another, teased each other, surprised each other, and have just had so much fun together...and...I've never been on a retreat without them there, not in high school. I've never been to any church event, I don't think, without them there, at least some of them. I've grown up, at least in high school, seeing my sisters 3 and 4 and sometimes even 5 times a week, depending on what's happening at church. But now their last retreat is over. They're graduating in 4 months and most of them are leaving for college in 6.
My heart feels the familiar, icy grip of fear as I write. I'm...I'm not ready to grow up. I'm 15 years old; I'm not ready to be one of the upperclassmen. I'm not ready to let them go. I'm not ready to be depended on. I'm not as independent as I thought I was. I'm not ready...
I was talking to one of my leaders on Sunday morning, sharing my heart with her and telling her I want Him to be my Everything. I want Him to be the One, the only One. The only One I seek for fulfillment, my Comfort, my Love, my Everything. And as I spoke, He whispered a familiar word in my ears.
Surrender.
I realized, all over again, that if I want Him to be my Everything, I have to give Him everything. All of me. All my thoughts, all my fears, everything I hold dear and precious to me, my loved ones, my plans, my insecurities, my dreams, my future, my life...everything.
The Lord will not shove His way into my crevasses. He will not force my devotion or openness or service or yielding. And He knows my heart; it's not like I am "hiding" anything from Him that He's unaware of or hasn't seen. He cannot fully fill the places that I claim I want Him to if I am setting things in the places that should be His. He shouldn't have to push clutter out of the way to settle Himself in.
In surrendering, it means gathering up my most prized possessions, including my sisters, and placing them at the foot of the cross for Him to do with them what He will, trusting that He is sovereign and I am not, He is God and I am human, He is infinitely wise and I have much yet left to learn. Vicky said to me once, "live with open hands," and I suppose I am learning that concept every new day that comes. I need to stop fighting time. Time will pass and sift like grains of sand in an hourglass, and I can't grab it and reverse it and make it go back. I cannot continue to go through life with my little fists clenched in an iron grip, swinging at Him when He continues to work around me.
But I can give Him every day as a sacrifice when I wake, give Him my blank piece of paper and say, "Here You go. Here it is. Here I am. I am Yours. Have Your way in me. You know best and You have me and today is Yours and I am open to You. Here is my heart. I am fully, completely surrendered to You. Do whatever You want with me."
Oh, darling...isn't that beautiful?...
And my God, Who is constant and one and whole and loves me with a love that spans past eternity smiles a wide smile that I've seen in my daydreams and reaches down and touches my face and takes my heart
and continues to mold it.
Takes my blank piece of paper
and continues to write my story
and never leaves and never abandons and always hears and will not allow my feet to stumble. My heart may break and tremble for the change and the knowledge that I can't hold my sisters forever, that there is a new chapter coming and it will be here before I see it and there will always, always be goodbyes this side of Glory...
But my God? He will hold me through it all, He will be my Rock. He will be my Constant. He will take care of my sisters. He will keep our relationships strong. He will never leave me and He will help me through and with it all. There are no goodbyes in God, no separation, no stinging change, no fear, no sorrow. Praise be to my Father, my Father Who is Father of the lights, Who does not change like shifting shadows. Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord...
"Everything moves, oh, my towers fall, but You aren't leaving me. Everything moves but You..." ❤
