I can feel it in my throat, my bones, my voice, my chest, my muscles. I see it in my eyes when I look in a mirror; I don't look ready to flee at the sight of my body anymore; my stomach no longer scares me. I'm allowing myself to put on makeup. Last week, I taught myself how to apply mascara. I have more drive to accomplish things. I went running on Friday. On Friday night I had ice cream with a couple of my friends. I enjoyed every bite.
I'm getting better.
I know I am, because when I start to sink back into old habits, there's a new, definite feeling of alarm. "No, no, no. I don't need that. I'm not going back again. I'm whole." I have less tolerance for letting myself slip. I know what leniency means, and I'm determined to move forward. I'm not going back. There's no point in looking there.
I'm getting better.
I'm not shrinking back from leadership anymore. I'm answering questions that the younger girls at church have, I'm reaching out, I'm being kind, I'm stepping up. On Thursday night, I led our girl's bible study. I loved it. I felt like I belonged there, in that place, like I knew what I was doing. I felt confident. Confidence is new for me as well, and you know what? I could get used to it.
I'm getting better.
The scars aren't a source of shame anymore. Yes, that is where I was. But here I am, my heart rejoices, here I am. Here I am. He has brought me here and He has made me clean. I'm clean. Redeemed. Satisfied. Fresh. White. I can rest and I can see and I can breathe and I'm clean and I'm grinning as I write this to you, because, darling, it feels so good. I didn't think I'd ever get here. But that is where I came from, and here I am. Here I am.
I'm getting better.
I love my God. There was a long stretch of time where I wasn't sure what I believed. My knowledge of the Lord is so minuscule. But a couple of weeks ago, I realized that I don't have be a theologian because I know that He is good. That He cares. That He is just. That He is in control of everything. I've witnessed it, I have heard Him speak, I know what He can do, and although I know so little of Who He is, I know that He is good. This world we live in is so broken and twisted and lost, but it doesn't change Him. In spite of everything else, if I have nothing else to cling to, I can go to that. I can go to the truth of His strong and pure and perfect love, and the safety of my Father's grip, and it will be enough.
I'm getting better.
I don't run to my older sisters for comfort and safety as much anymore. Not because they won't still take care of me, but because there's less of a desperate need to be taken care of. My Abba has been repairing my heart and carrying me in His arms, and I'm okay. And now it's my turn to be a big sister to my own girls. And what a blessing. My 7th and 8th grade girls fill my days with light and joy and just the right amount of chaos (and drama ;D). They are a constant source of love and amusement and it is so fulfilling to be able to pour into them. Make no mistake, though, it's not just a one-way relationship. These girls have reminded me of things I've lost and forgotten along my way. They teach me about the most important things all over again. They have taught me so much about patience (not just because they ask my patience, but because they are ridiculously patient with me) and love. There's SO MUCH LOVE in their hearts for me that sometimes I'm shocked speechless. I wish I had earned it, but their hugs and kisses and little gifts and smiles and, "I love you,"'s and sweet exclamations of my name show me that I don't have to, because I will always have it. Their love has no price or standards. It's beautiful. They are so beautiful. The Lord has blessed me with the gift of my girls. And I love them, oh, so much. ❤❤❤
I'm getting better.
On Thursday, the girls and I started going through Psalm 103. "My soul, praise Yahweh," the passage reads, "and all my inmost being, bless His holy name. My soul, praise Yahweh, and forget not all He has done for you. For He forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases. He redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with steadfast love and compassion. He satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." (1-5) The Lord heals. The Lord has healed. His people called Him Yehovah Rapha- literally translated to mean God our/the/my/who is Healer. It is so comforting to me that the Lord, Who was a healer then, is still my Great Physician today. He forgives all my sins- the sickness of my heart and soul- and makes me white as snow. He heals all my diseases- the sickness of my body- and refreshes me and makes me new. My body is not sick because the Lord has made me well. My heart and soul are covered in the blood of Christ. And He satisfies. The Lord has given me my life, my sisters, my voice, my salvation, my home, my body...so much...and my soul is at rest. Satisfied. I am secure and I am free and I am well and I am happy and I am getting better.
I'm getting better.
My soul, praise Yahweh. Forget not all He has done for you. He satisfies.
❤
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