Never abandoned

So it was a rough night last night. (Or rather, morning.) Lemme tell you about it.

At about 2, I woke up, alarmed from a nightmare. My heart was racing, my whole body was sweaty, I was shaking, crying, gasping for breath...complete panic. What made it worse was that I didn't even know what was happening because I was still half asleep. Now, I'm used to panic attacks. But this was different. Usually, I know it'll pass and I'll be fine. But this time, I had absolutely no hope of calming down and going back to sleep. And that scared me even more.

Automatically, as if I was a robot, I began to whisper Scripture, clutching my blankets, my eyes squeezed shut. "Bless the Lord, oh my soul..." But...I couldn't calm down. The thing that had worked so well in the past was not a comfort to me as my heart raced.

And I didn't understand. So I began to breathe in another verse. "Come to Me, all ye weary and heavy laden-" And then I stopped.

"Come to Me."

Oh.

It was like...duh. I did a mental facepalm.

You see, for the past few months my heart has been closed to Him. I'm not exactly sure where it started. But I decided I could not trust the God of the universe with my fragile human heart. So I stopped talking to Him. Stopped journaling. Stopped engaging in worship. Oh, I still lifted my hands on Sundays. I still answered all the questions at bible study. I still prayed for my friends. But...my personal relationship with the Lord has been almost none-existent.

So, I was speaking Scripture to myself, but my heart was far from Him. His words have no power if I have no faith in the One who spoke them. I can speak a thousand, "bless the Lord"s, but it's all meaningless if there's nothing there.

"Come to Me."

I figured I had nothing else to lose in that moment. Everything else in my life was falling to pieces and my heart was sick and dying and I knew, lord, deep down I knew that He is the only One who has ever been able to bring dead things to life. And as soon as I decided to attempt to talk to Him, something inside of me burst, and I broke down into desperate, starving tears. A little girl, crying for her Daddy.

And cry I did. "Don't give me up...I know we have a lot to work through, but I am cold and tired and scared and I need You to hold me. Please don't give me up...please...please don't give me up..."

And as I fought my way to His arms through the rubble of the thick cement walls that had just collapsed around my heart, as I felt Him grab me and hold me so, so tight against His chest, I felt His tears and heard His agonized whisper.

"I will NEVER give you up."

"Okay..."

"Say it."

"You will never give me up."

And as soon as the words were uttered from my mouth, a whole new flow of tears began. Tears of relief. Tears of...of joy?! Tears of joy?! I hadn't cried tears of joy in months...I had barely cried at all, actually. and this...this felt so good. Broken, raw before my God. "You will never give me up. You will never give me up. You will never give me up."

He is capable of such perfect comfort...

I snatched up the promise of security from a God I had rejected for so long. I am not abandoned. I am not forsaken. Even now, my God is still close, very close. He stayed. I am loved enough to be kept. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me...

And He hushed me and kissed me and rocked me to sleep.

I wish I could tell you that I woke up this morning completely refreshed and renewed. The truth is that I woke up this morning shaken. I feel like I got absolutely no sleep last night. This morning a friend asked me how I was and I told her, "I don't know. Like I honestly don't. There's no one specific emotion that I feel right now." If you know me, you know that I am constantly in touch with my emotions. For me to not know how I feel is extremely rare.

But the truth is that today, I took my dog for a walk and I had a conversation with my God, open and honestly, keeping nothing from Him. A dear friend of mine requested last night that I spend 20 minutes every day, praying through the Lord's Prayer. So that is what I did. And I felt...loved. So loved and held and cherished and heard. My heart is beginning to wake and He has waited for me for so long...

He is so gentle with those who deserve so much wrath...namely myself...

Darling, we are not abandoned. Never, ever abandoned. God will not repay us according to our sins or wandering or rebellion. Jesus paid it all and because of His sacrifice, we may come to our God, sweetly broken, and He will hold us without reproach. By grace, God has given us a window. Through the Son, we may gaze on the Father's glory.

Cling to Him always, for He deeply loves you.

Follow always in His footsteps, for He leaves nothing but beauty in His wake.

We are deeply, deeply loved. Never abandoned. There is always grace.

Always love.

He will never give us up.