You're probably running around right now playing with your brothers and kicking around a pelota, or maybe you're eating a plate full of white rice, or maybe you're playing pato pato ganso with some of your friends, or maybe you're in bed. I'm pretty sure you're probably not thinking about the strange milky-white American teenage girl who burst her way into your world and claimed you as her own for a week, the second you would have her.
But I'm thinking about you.
Oh, precious boy, words are not enough to wrap around the ocean of ache in my heart as I write.
I miss you so much.
I miss your tiny chocolate-brown arms around mine. I miss your giggle when I'd bounce you up and down on my lap and sing the Noble Duke of York song. I miss your raspy little voice and hearing you call my name across the street when I would walk out of the school in the morning. I miss squeezing water from my water bottle into your mouth and how you were so eager to hit the top with the palm of your hand to close it every time you were finished. I miss turning around and looking down and watching you follow me everywhere I'd go, I miss how you would always swoop up my water bottle and my camera and how you were so proud to carry them for me. I miss reaching down and absentmindedly brushing my fingertips along the black stubble of hair across your little forehead. I miss being sure of you. I miss making sure you could be sure of me.
I'm sorry for when I would be short with you and tell you to sit down and stay put so that I could go back to the church and get water or go to the bathroom without you. Not for needing to do those things, but for the selfish relief I would often feel for a couple minutes without your hands clamoring to reach around my neck or my arm or my hands. Sweet baby boy, I would give absolutely anything to get those minutes back with you. Anything. You were not a burden to me. And I should not have made you an option. Time is precious, so precious. In American culture, we so often jump automatically to what is most convenient to us at the moment. You were not convenient sometimes, so I would sit you down and go away for a few minutes at a time. But minutes add up, and now I have to spend many, many more minutes without you, and I am aching, and I am so sorry, baby. Thank you for teaching me not to take time for granted.
Joey, my little love, I had to leave, but there is One Who will never leave you, no matter where you are. His name is Jesús, He is the Son of God, and He is there in the Dominican Republic with you, right now, so close. He is the lover of your soul and He died to know your heart. He sees every tear you cry when big kids steal your pelota from your hands or swing you to the concrete or when you get lost or when people slap your mouth and scare you with loud voices. He sees. He knows. People hurt Him, too. And He had compassion on them and asked God to forgive them. He will protect you. He will keep you safe. He will keep you in perfect peace if you keep your eyes fixed on Him. Joey, you can trust Jesús. He loves you so much. There is nothing that can ever separate you from His love. Joey, love your God. Love Him back. He is the most priceless treasure in the world, more priceless than beads or crayons or comida or agua or dulce or pelotas. He is such a good Friend, better than I could ever be. I can't carry you anymore, but He will always carry you when you're weak. He holds your heart in His hands. He holds this whole huge crazy blue planet and He still sees you. He will always take care of you. He will always provide for you. You will always be special to Him. I know you have lots and lots of brothers and sometimes you feel invisible, but you will never be invisible to Jesús. You are His precious little boy. You are the only you there is. And He loves you with a piece of His heart that He has set aside just for you, that you will never have to share with anyone or fight anyone for. You are so precious, Joey. You are so precious. Look to Jesús. He will show you your worth. Look, baby. Look at Jesús when you are lost or afraid or sad or angry or hurt or hungry or lonely. He is enough. I promise He is enough. He has been enough for me time after time after time. He can be enough for you. He can do anything.
Joey, I love you so much. I wish I could kiss your little face over and over and hold you in my arms forever and run with you and make you laugh so hard. I wish I could bring you to my house and push you on the wooden swing in my backyard and take you for a walk around the pond in the woods behind my house and take you down the road to the gas station and buy you ice cream. I wish I could give you the world. I wish I could hold you every night until you fall asleep, like that night in the church. I may never see you again on this earth, and my heart weeps and breaks for that loss. But I have to look forward to Heaven and trust my God and His faithfulness, and that I will see you there. I can't wait to dance on streets of gold with you, baby boy. :) I can't wait to run and run and run with you and never get tired. I am so thankful for the promise of glory. God is so good to His children, Joey. Praise Him with me.
Thank you for being my friend last week. Thank you for trusting me with you. Thank you for your patience with me. Thank you for all the times you sat quietly with me and just cuddled (I miss your cuddles so much, baby boy. My arms ache). Thank you for your cheeky goofiness and for making me laugh and for helping me to not take life so seriously. You are my Joey joy; you are one of the purest definitions of joy I have ever seen in my entire life. Spread your joy, baby. Shine your light. Be good for your mama and obey her. Be kind to your brothers. Share with those around you. Smile. Always, always smile. I'm in love with those teeth. :) Be an example to your new little brother or sister when they come. You have the potential to do so much good, sweetheart. Choose to do good. Choose to be a blessing. You don't have to try very hard. I was blessed the first time I saw your face peeking at me from the other side of the fence.
Oh, Joey, I love you. I could say it a million times. Lord haste the day when I can hold you again. Until then, I will wait and cry and pray and smile and remember you and remember our week together, and I have pictures of you and your scribbles in my journal, and the sound of your sweet little voice calling, "Ana! ¡Ven! ¡La pelota!" in my head. I will love you across the ocean until I can love you in my arms again.
Jesús is all you need, baby. I am praying every day that you will know Him. He loves you so much, even more than I do. Make Him your best friend, Joey. He loves you endlessly.
I love you endlessly.
Hasta luego, mi amigito precioso. <3
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